This is hilarious to me! but why?? it shouldn't be! XD T__T

It's like I'm looking in on their lives through a one-way glass. It's like I'm coming to know them behind a screen door. It's like I'm coming to love them through a a daily injection of antics and drugs.


Do they ever feel weird about putting so much of themselves out on a plate where the world can see them, flaws and all? And are they doing all of this stuff because they want to, or because somebody else thinks it would be a silly thing to put out for public display?


I think I'm over-analyzing the marketing scheme...

my dog is the floppiest dog evar. quite cute, even though he gets in the way on my keyboard all the time XD

yay for home ♥ can't wait to visit with peepsicles who refuse to show their face otherwise :P

chillin' tonight cos it's a blizzard, cookie decorating tomorrow, HAWKS ON WEDNESDAY, Christkindlmarket in teh city on Thursday, Christmas Eve Friday, day of awesomeness Saturday :D

much love for the holidays, my dearests!

“A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.”

William Arthur Ward

you guys are far greater to me than I deserve. thanks. ♥

um.

staying up for 20 hours at a time ill advised.

I...

I am not smart.
I do not get solid grades.
I do not know how to study.
I am not pretty.
I do not exercise as much as I should.
I have little to no self-motivation.
I cannot fall in love.
I cannot reciprocate said love.
I cannot write a novel, though pretend I can.
I do not have enough faith.
I do not have enough trust.
I do not know how to stop belittling myself.
I am incapable of success.
I am terrified of failure, yet scrape by (and hate it).

I have no idea what to do.


what. the hell. am I doing here.


it'd be so easy to disappear...

But I will keep all these things, and ponder them in my heart.


And so help me if I spill my guts because that's always been the way to get it to blow up in my face. XD


----

random items of "who-cares":

• finals! *headdesk*
• my story is complete! now to edit the freaking daylight out of it :3
• speaking of editing, EDITING MINOR YAY!
• 9 days! ♥
• DEEP DISH PIZZA SOON YAY!
• general rejoicing YAY!

^_____^

----

other random "no-one-cares":

early to rise and early to bed

makes a man healthy, wealthy, and socially dead.

Conducting pre-final tomorrow morning. 305 listening exam Thursday. reading days Friday/Saturday. musical christmas sacrament Sunday (I'm in charge, boo). and then written 305 exam, mythology final (3 hours, blaaah!), and biology all next week.

all while suffering some unknown thing that has me choking on my own spit in the morning. (exaggeration skillz: I has them.)

at least my swimming and volleyball classes are out of teh way.

bring on death week.


---

dear Michael:
is that pizza offer still out on the table?
love,
-R.

Well, self, you keep asking yourself why you're attracted to him. It's not likely, you say. Too many differences. You can't get to the friend stage in the first place.

Contrary to popular belief, have an friggin' answer: It's cos he's just like you.

And you wonder if you deserve more. Hah. Maybe you just don't.

Embarrassment is a pointless emotion that only serves to confuse and over exaggerate reality.

--

earlier this evening, my roommate Andrea walked into the front room while she was flossing and asked, completely up front and out of nowhere, "Rachael, what do you think your greatest potential for your life is?"

um, whoa dang. talk about a deep subject from the get-go.

after pondering for a moment, I told her the greatest thing for me would be to know that I have influenced many people for good; including but not limited to bringing them to know the nature of God, having them be comfortable with me as a "go to" person, helping them know that everything works itself out.

in a similar fashion, Andrea said she wanted to be able to bring at least one person to know the true nature of their individual worth, but the more the better.

and then...

then we started talking about being happy. and perfection.

now, earlier as we surfed stumbleupon, we came upon this page, which I find very valuable. my favorite on the list being this:

From the CEO of a major corporation to the lowly janitor who sweeps where his boss stands; they are all insecure.

it came up several times in our conversation, and we discussed truly being happy with ourselves - which includes letting go and accepting our imperfections 100%. this is no easy task, as I'm sure everyone is aware.

Andrea mentioned that she doesn't accept compliment without criticism - which is why when our dear friend Taylor came over several hours previous to this, he kept complimenting the picture she gave him because he knew she wouldn't believe it. (she's trying to get better. I believe she is.)

but it reminded me of several things. first, when I went to go chat with my friend Emily who lives upstairs. we talked about a similar thing, but how we expend energy on worrying and fussing about things we're already good at to hide up our inadequacies. But the point, as me and Andrea discussed, is that we're not supposed to be perfect. we're supposed to be lacking, to have weaknesses, that's the entire point of our lives: growth!

but then I realized another important conversation I had with my bassoon prof after I was denied to the performance program. in short, he asked me out front what my plan was now. I didn't know, I was just trying to keep my head up and to keep moving forward. Life goes on, and I was trying to remind myself that. He went through several scenarios, and I wavered around and he probably knew that I was flailing and didn't really want a pep talk at the time. so as I was leaving, he told me this:

"Don't let the [degree] define you."

but, upon reflection, I found that I've been doing just that. I've been waiting for some miraculous vision from heaven coming down to tell me what to major in, what to do with my life so I could be most effective. I've been wanting other people to make life's decisions for me, just because I'm inadequate and don't want to face it, just because I don't really know my full potential, just because I'm terrified of this life that I have...!

I want to be something that's out of my reach. for now. I can become something wonderful, something inspiring. but I have to start first.


so, there's a glimpse of my "something wonderful".

but I want you to ask yourself about your potential. where do you want to go? what do you want to do? what would be the biggest and best accomplishment, in your mind?

and do you trust in your Heavenly Father to help you get there?



--

Mr. Theopolis, I've always been scared to ask, but I wanna know what it's like. will you read me, sometime?
/aside

post numero 500! whooaaaaa.

I've been around this thing far too long, XD

and it's really entertaining/depressing to read some of my first entries, like omg. some are super embarrassing, too, haha! but it's that level of growth I'm happy about. :D

anyway. holla~

I could really use a snuggle buddy. or a heating pad. or a fleece blanket.

... naaah, snuggle buddy. chalk it up to my number one need.

T_T

blah. I hate feeling complicated when I'm not. boo.


edit: have a video. it's neat.

well then.

I have an awesome way of going about doing things that I really shouldn't be putting effort into.

that was cryptic. my bad.

fancy this. I get ready to go to temple trip. get stuck in car with some unknown, albeit cute, boy. go up to temple trip, have a fancy time, he drives me/roommates home. over the course of several months, I discover we can't be any more different (I'm serious, the difference gap is MASSIVE). however, over the course of said several months, I discover that I have this inordinate crush on this boy.

awesome. they say opposites attract, but this seems a little excessive.



I have a love/hate relationship with myself about the fact that I always do this. XD


'nother brick wall post, don't mind me.

10 hours and 23 chapters read of Deathly Hallows.

yep, it's HP week.

every once in a while, I get this strange fear that people put up a front of liking me when they actually hate me.

it doesn't make sense, but this only happens once in a while.

but I've seen it enough in others to wonder about it.


and for the record, I'd really just prefer somebody to just come up and say they didn't wanna be friends if they don't want to. I think I'd survive.



it makes me want to try my hand at more sincerity and gratitude. it would definitely be interesting to see what I would say instead.

so tonight I went up to play pinochle with some friends after the end of this horrendous week. (I made it out alive... sortof.) we played 'til well after curfew but thanks to daylight savings rationalized away our sins :P

anyway, when we were done we started talking. we had done one of those fail!classic things of battle of the sexes. (I know, I know. blah.) so of course we said a couple trash talk comments afterwards, as the girls had beat the boys by well over 1400 points, and we jokingly made a comment about how girls were better. one of the opinionated guys - very nice, but very smart and intimidating in that way - said he didn't think that, outside of emotional dealios, that women are better than men. the other girl backed down way quick, and I didn't wanna fight with him at 12/1am. too much effort if you ask me.

but anyway.

I'd like to point out that I think I've seen enough to believe that men are VERY fragile when it comes to emotions, and maybe in some cases more so. (yes, I know: "not me!!" relax. there are always exceptions, and I'm not judging. just generalizing. :P ) women tend to trust a little more openly at first, willing to trust on a basic level and share things as they pertain to the circumstance around them. not to say that men don't, but to get to the sharing-personal-stories level is hard to get to, in my experience. it just doesn't happen that often. however, when you get right down to the core of trust and understanding people, if you break them when you're that close, you basically snap them in half. women and men alike, I think, but I think that because women tend to open themselves up earlier/faster, they're somewhat used to that - if not just on a basic level. not so much for the men. I have seen this a LOT, in my brothers and many of my male friends. when you break a man that far down, it takes a long time for them to recover from a thing like that. some don't recover at all. yes, men don't like to share emotions as much as women. that's fact for life. but they are just as breakable as everything else.

blabla ad nauseam.

my roommate also found a study (I need to get sources to back this up, so don't quote me) that wanted to look at the brain activity in women who compare themselves to other [for body shape, personality, etc]. They found that group of women they wanted and ran their tests and found the spot in the brain that controls that. great. they ran off to find a control group of women who felt good about themselves to see what their brains looked like. surprisingly, the control group still had that kind of activity going on in their brain, even though they felt good about themselves. it was much smaller, comparatively, but every one of those women they looked at had that kind of activity going on in there on a subconscious level at best. HOWEVER, the only people they could find that didn't have that activity going on was in...? yep, you guessed it, men.

so the reason you have to give girls so many words of encouragement and reaffirm your love/support/etc is because they're WIRED for that. if you don't say something or whatever you'd do (pertaining to love languages or what have you), they'll run off and find someone who does. fact for life. it's not that we're high maintenance or whatever else, we can't even help it. some have it less severe than others, sure, but it's still present. plus, that's why we compliment each other so dang much. we've gotta keep those chemical balances in check :P it's not a double standard that men can't compliment other men, or we don't try to make it that way, men just don't need it as much XD

anyway. call that what you will, I just needed a brick wall to vent at before I went to bed. *thumbs up*

happy end of daylight savings? and november! yeah. :)

y'know, there are some preeeeetty opinionated people out there. and that's okay, really.

but I don't think the spirit works in a way where it can't be inspirational for one person, but not another.

also: I so don't agree with labeling stuff as false doctrine as blantly as they did. because who actually knows? ¬_¬ yeah, exactly. I'm not gonna tell you now, but I liked that talk. way to kill my opinion on the matter.

well, I just got really stressed out all of the sudden.

thus: Hello, week of HELL.

late test tomorrow for mythology, paper due for bio I should've started two weeks ago, conducting exam (of "heaven"? since they're hymns and all), music history listening test (I will DEFINITELY fail - haven't been to class in a month) and written exam for the same class.

somebody kill me. kthxbai.

*spazz*

:D?

<3

HOLY AWESOME DAY, BATMAN!

and yes, I realize this is a double post, which I don't normally like to do, but I so don't care. XD

OMG. LIEK, SRSLY GUISE.
/lame

kay, so I thought today would be pretty ordinary and what have you. well, tonight I got to chat with Juli - some of you know her, she's in my ward and sooooo ossum - and we probably chatted for two hours over pancakes about the Lord. ohmyheezy, I didn't think I needed it, but I so did! and it was so amazing! I was just bearing my testimony to her about stuff I already knew, but had forgotten! it was such a wonderful experience, and I am sooooo happy she came over so I could chat with her. gah! I love the Lord and all of the blessings that he gives me! I'm especially grateful to know that he LOVES me and watches out for me all the time! ALL THE TIME! so many tender mercies and expressions of love and AAH! it's amazing, the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ is so true ^_______^


and totally unrelated, my fiction project that took up my entire summer has now broken 30K words. that's exciting, guys! I've never written anything more than 18K! XD

anyways, that was my day. or, evening, rather.

:D

hope your day was equally awesome! ^_____^

this brought so much joy to my heart, for reasons unknown XD

they're all so ridiculous, *giggle*

chilluns, really. they don't have to grow up. XD

Each breath screaming: "We are all too young to die!"

Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive.
[...]

The horses are coming 

So you better run

-

Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

-

Drag my teeth across your chest to tast your beating heart

-
-

this chick is brilliant.
jus' sayin'.
try some. she's gonna  be big, fo serious.

if it's a broken heart, then face it.

it's late, and I doubt I am in any sense "emotionally stable". however, this has been a reoccuring question in my life lately, and I extend it to you.

what am I? what makes me... me?

who am I?

I just realized 6th months until Scotty comes back! :O

quick! somebody teach me oodles of French! XD

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on." 

- Robert Frost

good thing.

food for thought, I feel like a lot of us could benefit from this.

oh, no.

Zack, you left me a voice message tonight.

and I am so sorry. I can't even... begin to understand, and for that I'm sorry. But I want you to know I'm sorry that this is happening to you. 


but I'm grateful to my past self that I wrote you that note, cos then in this time of need you remembered me. for that I'm glad. it seems so long ago, doesn't it? when you were dating Charise, and I wrote you that note. I don't think I remember near a thing I wrote you.

but I love you.

and I am deeply sorry.



(sidenote: go away, 1am. x_x )

Well, I just took a trip down memory lane that I meant to avoid.

2 reoccurring thoughts as I scrolled through my facebook friend list:

• a lot has changed since high school.... 
• (thank goodness; I didn't want to keep contact with a lot of them anyway)
• I'm friends with a lot of attractive people!

...that's all, really.


also, that I love you.

If not, that's okay.

And when you're gone, will they say your name?
And when you're gone, will they love you the same?
Oh, when you're gone, we won't say your word
But you know that's okay.


----------------------------------------------------------------


A year ago this homecoming weekend, she was sitting on my couch, urging me and my roommate to come see the parade with her. a year ago, she would've been dating you.

if only we knew then what we knew now. but that's life.


6 months later, she had removed every bit of you from her life. it hurt you - oh, did I see how it broke you for a time. you were angry, furious that she displayed so little care for you, that she seemed to single out you to put you through such pain.



Now, I can't help but wonder if she thought she was protecting you by removing herself from your picture.

because, perhaps, she knew.


and maybe I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

but look how far a year has taken us.

:D?

today I was in my volleyball class, right? trying to score as many points as we could so we could get "ranked" or whatever.

well.

we had already played 2 games, and we were on our third. the other team was right behind us in points, so we wanted to get going. 2-1, we're up, and I'm serving (oh BOY!). serve went over the net; bump, set, spike.... INTO MY FACE.

I just remember seeing that thing two feet in front of me and how my brain was surprisingly blank, haha. Hit my face, stunned me, and I fell back out of the way. apparently, as my teammates tell me, it had enough force that it went over the net and we got the point, XD. I didn't see it, obviously, I thought the floor was the most interesting thing at that point. But yeah, ball hits the floor, and everybody realizes I've got my face in my hand and start freaking out. haha! it wasn't even bad - no blood or anything. I was just so stunned my body didn't know how to react and started laughing and crying all at once. so awkward, haha! but yeah, we kept playing and ended up being seeded first :3

the boy who hit the spike felt so bad, I couldn't help but think about another boy during high school who rear-ended me on our way out from seminary. so apologetic, and it doesn't even bother me. I appreciate the sentiment, I guess. better than the other guy in HS who hit in me in the face with a soccer ball in gym class and ran off laughing.

anyway, I'm tough. I gotta good head ;)

so.....

I kinda love my life. :3

We grew up and wide apart.
Not now, not ever, no... it's never a good time.
Comparing photos then and now,
Just wondering... where it all went wrong.

So what you say... we give it up and walk away?
We're overrated, anyway.
Nothing to salvage, anyway.


/Loose Ends

well, this is going to sound completely morbid, but hooray for dead grandmas and inheritance.

into an account for a future car, it goes~

I really want to learn how to play this on the guitar.

potential problems: I don't know how to read guitar tabs, nor do I have long enough fingers to reach all the frets. they're short and stubby, but they're mine. I don't have any callouses on my fingers, either, so I might get really frustrated with it super easy >_>

but not the point! guitar, yay!

yep. lyrics here.

I have been in this same skirt. all. day.

somebody get me some pants, T_T

why, fireside? whyyy?


:P

Dear Wednesday:

You suck.

Get better. And fast.

Rachael.

Electrode, Diglett, Nidoran, Mankey
Venasaur, Ratata, Fearow, Pidgey
Seaking, Jolteon, Dragonite, Gastly
Ponyta, Vaporeon, Poliwrath, Butterfree
-
Venemoth, Poliwag, Nidorino, Golduck
...
erm...
last stanza, go!
Charmeleon, Wartortle
Mewtwo, Tentacruel, Aerodactyl
Omanyte, Slowpoke
Pidgeot, Arbox, das all folks!


yep, that's how much of the Pokerap I currently have memorized. Go me.
8 stanzas left to go. *headdesk?*

be amazed, I'm actually doing this XD

yes, I know, double post = loser.

but I don't care, you can just deal with it. :D

anyway, here's the plan for anyone who cares (which, let's be honest, is probably none of you :P ).

• get a schedule down with this scripture reading thing
• don't be so emo XD
• finish this stupid lovely novella I should've finished a week ago
• get my flirt on over some hockey when the games come around :D

.... yep! all encompassing, and short.

oh, and lose weight. throw that on the list too.

otherwise I think I'm set. :D


I'm ridiculous, don't you agree?

you thought you might be a ghost
you didn't get to heaven but you made it close.




... yeah.

Hello, first day of classes!

Wassat, self? You've decided you don't want to play in an ensemble this semester? Fine, take two gym classes :D

Wassat, school? You want me to navigate through the most crowded area of the building in 5 minutes? Okay, I'll figure out the ventilation system so I can get out quicker. Or just, y'know, take the back door.

this semester is going to be fun. XD

it's funny how soon I've already given up.

and for what?

I've already admitted myself to failure, that's what.

so.

throw stuff together to be part of an ensemble? throw words on a page to finish this story I've spent all summer on?

give up on classes I haven't even spent an hour thinking about?


I thought I could do this...

No matter how many times I fly, I still get nervous when I'm getting ready to leave the house.

I love my family and will miss them SO much. I wish I could just be with them all the time.

Good thing I have eternity.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a blender to fit in my suitcase...

it's gonna be a bumpy ride, but it sure beats standing still.

true, true.

and I wouldn't have it any other way.

--

back to Provo and the bubble tomorrow. the coming semester is going to need a lot of work, but I bet I can do it.

a little at a time.

what's keeping me back, but myself?

a formidable foe, but I've got a new theme song to keep me goin' ;)

another 1K of monies, stashed away for some future car.

suhweet.

--

Provo on Saturday!

yay.

my subconscious thinks it's sooooo funny.

so, all this summer I've been working on this story my brain decided it wanted to work on in the middle of spring semester (so like, May). so I humored it, and I'm nearing the end of the novella. (HALLELUJAH.)

then today, I'm reading some articles online, and my subconscious pops up and says, in classic Navi fashion, "HEY! What do you think about a SEQUEL?!?"

needless to say, I have a bruise on my forehead from banging it against my desk so many times.

maybe next summer.

unless the plunnies* decide to attack in the middle of the semester again.

*plunnie. a quick, short, dramatic thing that gnaws on your brain with an idea before you write it down - and then abandons you once done, as idea normally makes NO SENSE. they have no help to be caught; only entertained OR beheaded with a large machete.

life is beautiful.

my entire family is in the hands of some mighty fine angels, let me tell you.

especially my dad. from what was explained to me, he had the worst kind of heart attack where 98% of the people who get it don't make it. (edit: it was this kind.)

his eyes are bloodshot around the cornea and quite yellow outside of that, so he's super scary to look at but he's gonna be fine. (has to take a horse load of pills for quite some time, though.)

so, here's for all of the people who prayed for my family and me. we appreciate them and felt the effects of said prayers every day. we were protected by God and all of his angels - you.

My dad is still the same, no matter what. He's the same person, no matter what. He's still my loving father, no matter what.

appearance and hearts and whatever else change nothing.

he's still my dad. and I love him. and he's gonna be okay.

he isn't gonna die.



I need to play in church on sunday...

Of all the friends I'm currently surrounded by, I think I'm one of the only ones who is angry about the Prop. 8 overturn today.

Argh.

It makes me feel really lonely, scared, and confused.

I know I shouldn't, because feelings like those are from the devil. But seriously. This keeps getting worse and worse. Something's gotta give.

Haven't we hit rock bottom yet?

Holy exploding inbox, Batman! XD

23 birthday messages when I woke up, nice.

an' it'll keep goinggg. haha!

hope your day is as good as mine! :)

+19

+17

Well, my birthday's on Thursday.

When talking about my age right now, I feel like 19 is too small, but 20 is too big.

Can't I just spend a while in between? I'll call it "Twenteen", a hybrid of 20 and 19! 's perfect!

... XD

Ah well. Regardless, I hope *your* summer is going swell, just as it ought to. :)

To my brothers,

Combined, you two weigh less than I do, even when you're full. Don't start saying you're full all the time and pull back on portion sizes. You're teenage boys. Come on; you're supposed to put me to shame, not the other way around.

Cos the less you guys eat, the more I look like a hippopotamus.

so, I was about to post something on Facebook along the lines of, "Nothing says 'destroy your self-esteem' like going shopping for clothes. Le sigh."

jabbing at myself, of course.

although, when I came upstairs to my lappy to post about it, this HUGE storm whipped up and the power went out.

I just thought about it right now, but I'd like to let myself believe that God whipped up a huge thunderstorm because he knew that I love them, and that he wanted to tell me that I'm okay the way I am. He loves me, and it doesn't matter what I look like.

I am so grateful for the spirit, and that I am able to be receptive to it at times like these.

uhhh.

birthday? next week?

oh.

*headdesk*

the joys of being home - I get moments like these.

I was talking to my mother for a quick minute this morning and she told me about a woman who came to the house and picked some pumpkin starts (sprouted pumpkin plant, but not very big so trans-potting them is easier).

Apparently, this woman came to the house when my mom wasn't home, went around the house and got the seeds, and left. No word of acknowledgment or anything. Apparently they're growing fine.

My mom then mentioned, "I think one of the shortcomings and failings of our society is gratitude." She said she was trying to be aware of it on her end, at least.

I think it's something we can all try to be more aware of.

<3

To Inspiration and the One O'Clock Morning Hour:

We need to stop meeting like this. Can't we just meet together for lunch on a gorgeous afternoon, instead?

I celebrate not having ANY plans! AT ALL!

except for the day of when I fly back to Provo.

aaaah, perfect.

and when you're growing down instead of growing up

Civil rights, civil war

Hood rat, crack whore

Carefree, nightclub

Closet drunk, bathtub

Outcast, weirdo

Stepchild, freak show

Black girl, bad hair

Broad nose, cold stare

Tap shoes, Broadway

Tuxedo, holiday

Creative block, Love song

Stupid words, erased song

Gun shots, orange house

Dead man walking with a dirty mouth

Spoiled milk, stale bread

Welfare, bubonic plague

Record deal, light bulb

Keep back kid not corporate thug

Breast cancer, common cold

HIV, lost hope

Overweight, self esteem

Misfit, broken dream

Fish tank, small bowl

Closed minded, dark hold

Cybergirl, droid control

Get away now they trying to steal your soul

Microphone, one stage

Tomboy, outrage

Street fight, bloody war

Instigators, third floor

Promiscuous child, broken heart

STD, quarentine

Heroin user, coke head

Final chapter, death bed

Plastic sweat, metal skin

Metallic tears, mannequin

Carefree, night club

Closet drunk, bathtub

White house, Jim Crow

Dirty lies, my regards.

--

Janelle Monae, Many Moons.

Part of her EP "Metropolis", which follows a story of an android whom has fallen in love with a human (which, in the fictional world Janelle has created, is illegal).

I just bought the entire EP, it's really quite fascinating. And so gosh darn catchy! The song "Sincerely, Jane" is particularly at blame. XD

I'm such a moron, telling myself I would never give him what he was fishing for - and then going and giving it to him.

faaaantastic!

I need a life, of any form. XD

Lately, I've been [re]discovering just how satisfying it is to sit down and write.

Since the middle of spring semester (and thus daydreaming in the middle of classes), I've had this idea just jumping around in my noggin. I got it after watching a promotional trailer for hockey, of all things. So, two characters came from that. And they've been patient with me and have dealt with my musings - all up until I took tests, then they thought it was funny to dance around in my head while I was trying to recall information about fatty acids and the lives of stars.

But I digress.

Today, after I spent a fantastical day with one of my all time best friends in the ENTIRE world, I sat down and I wrote. and wrote. and wrote.

And I sat down with my characters over lunch, as it were, and we talked for a long time about this story I've had in my crockpot of a brain. I talked with these characters who I've felt have become my friends, who have distinct personalities of their own, and have a deep understanding and care for one another.

I'm telling you this because it's very strange; I've never written anything in the way that my characters are real, like these two are. You hear about writers whose characters talk to them - well, that's officially happening to me, legitimately for the first time.

And it's awesome.

well hello there, 2am.

pleasure to make your acquaintance, once again.

I just want you to know that I'm being completely honest and open here. I've decided I'm not okay with people who hide things and observe without sharing their thoughts.

That said, I'm just unsure about friendships and things. Especially here at home in Chicago.

Now please stop checking back so darn often and let me know what you're thinking. Because you're making me nervous. XD

I don't want to be here.

I don't want to see you.

I don't want to have you over.

I don't want to celebrate my birthday.

I don't want to be associated with you while I'm here.

I don't want to meet with you - cos I don't want to see how much you've changed.

-----

Convenience friends. I hate 'em. You're one of 'em.

Take it or leave it.

Stop using profanity. Don't be so crude. Pay more attention to the ones who love(d) you. Quit smoking. Don't whine about your life - cos I really don't care, after all your years of it. Answer my phone calls and texts. Don't make excuses you're not good with long-distance friendships. Don't forget about me. Don't ignore the signs. Don't write me off. Be prompt and punctual.

Be someone we both can be proud of.

And don't assume.

-----

Is it so horrible that I set my sights so high? That I'm already willing to leave you behind? That I've already started to?

Is that bad of me, to think this way?

People in Utah really want me to donate blood - they've just called me for the third time, asking if I was going to be in town so they could stab me. Guess I'm gonna go do that, soon.

In other news, happy July! Julius Caesar was a beast, yep. Glad to have been born in the month named after him and his pwnage. :P

I was about to post this big long post about the politics of life and some craaaazy stress that has been piled on me over the last few hours, but I decided not to. Cos, really, you don't care. You just wanna see the end result. And that's fine.


But, I hate politics. In every. sense. of the word.

I am like a hawk when it comes to seeing things I shouldn't.

but ESPECIALLY if it's a book.

I know something my parents are getting me for my birthday.... XD

Oh, my Illinois.

How I have missed you so.

well hello, new blog template :D

shiny and friendly, yay!

in other news, I go to Chicago TOMORROW! (it's technically Monday, yes? >_> )

ummm, 36 hours, just about, until I find myself in the airport.

exciting.

home.

still can't believe it's that time of year.

I still looooooove coming home to Chicago. I really do. The skyscrapers bear my name and lift me above them and I soar. The lakefront and its chilly air ruffle through my hair and make me shiver in that way that I love. The carillon in Naperville has concerts every Tuesday night, as I learned last year with Kit, and I want to try to go to that a lot this summer. My family holds new meaning to me every time I return to be with them, and within their loving embrace I find a love I could never know elsewhere. They don't judge me and accept me as an entire whole. Every flaw, every quirk, they love it and bring out the best (and worst ^^; haha) in me. They complete me.

And, of course, this summer will be fun cos the Blackhawk fever will be raging in all its glory...

At the same time, I will still long for Provo, as much as I hate admitting I belong to it. The social outlet is more than I've ever experienced, and let's face it. I have waaaay more potential in Provo than I do anywhere else in the world :P. Provo doesn't have a lot to offer, but what it does is pretty exceptional.

So, as is with every year, going home is intensely bittersweet.

2 months should be bearable, right?

So.

My Granpa (mom's dad) and my three Granmas (my mom's dad got divorced and remarried) are all sick.

My Arizona Granna (mom's biological mom) has been smoking for a reaaaaally long time, so we don't know how much longer she has. She probably has lung cancer, but we don't know.

My Utah Granna (dad's mom) hasn't been doing well for months, but the nurse finally called my uncle and told him they estimate a week. So my dad might be coming out to Utah in the next month for a funeral....

My Illinois Granna (mom's step-mom) was diagnosed with cancer last year and has been doing pretty well on the recovery, we think. It was pretty severe when she had it, and they think it's going to come back before long. :\

My Granpa (Paca, as I have called him since I was 2) has now been diagnosed with type four lymph-somethingorother. I was talking to my mom today about it and she's not sure what it is or means, let alone pronounce it.

So there's that.

Everyone got sick all at once...



Prayers would be awesome, thanks. <3

so I'm lead to believe that the twins are now following my blog...

is that a fair guess? XD

*loff*

[link]

Perhaps this is another reason why I love my Blackhawks with so much adoration.

this too.

edit:

and after watching all the parties (some of which that are still going XD ), Chicago sure knows how to put on a show *^-^*

edit2:

I wonder if the Blackhawks must've had a shaving party or something, they're all clean now XD

I still think they looked waaaaaay better with scruff.

so I was reading through some things from my friend's old blogs (and I mean REALLY old) and I happened to come across something that happened in the fall of my senior year that I had forgotten about.

my friends took a vow of silence; a fast from words.

not for fun, but to observe - to strictly observe interactions and regain their gratitude for speech.

I think I might do it soon. A full twenty-four hours of no speech.

It'll be hard. But it'll be an amazing experience.

.....

I just cried, I'll admit it.

[...]

I love my city.

=]

Fact of the Day:
Chicago is the only city since 1985 to win a Super Bowl, World Series, NBA Championship, & Lord Stanley's Cup.

The only cities that would've been able to do this are: Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Philadelphia, Minneapolis, San Francisco, Dallas, Detroit and Washington D.C.

Yesssss.

history!

huh.

well now you know.

ohmigawsh.

HAWKS!

It's nearly been half a century, BUT YOU DID IT! You brought the cup back to Chicago! Sport that stuff, you guys deserved it :D

CHICAGO'S STREETS AND BUILDINGS AND RIVERS WILL RUN RED~!

now I must ask myself, how long will it take for this energy to wear off? and how long before I forgive myself for not being in Chicago at this point?? XD

A good way to kill 10 minutes.

HERE.

It's well spent, I promise! =]

I think I was just proposed to over Facebook.

Awesome.

XD

OHMYHEEZY TEN MONTHS~!!

*brick'd*

well, slightly over. by like, two weeks.

okay, so more like three, so more like eleven months.

...

BUT WHO'S COUNTING?! *double brick'd*

it's when the light and the company disappear that we become everything we are, and everything we don't want to be.

I don't want to be alone...

he says this stuff every year about this time, usually a few weeks before I go home for summer.

sure, he says he misses me, but it's not there. he doesn't mean it as much as he thinks.

and brotha friend, you better get it through to you that I'm not comin' home for you.

I'm comin' home for my family. my blood. after that, I've got nothin' for me there.

I used to.

but it's just part of an old shell of who I used to be.

"shot in the dark!"

yeah.

it was worth it, cos you didn't even dodge.

are you missing something? cos I think you are.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song

You can't believe it

You were always singing along

It was so easy and the words so sweet

You can't remember

You try to feel the beat

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet

You spent half of your life trying to fall behind

You're using your headphones to drown out your mind

It was so easy, and the words so sweet

You can't remember

You try to move your feet

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet

Someone's deciding whether or not to steal

He opens the window just to feel the chill

He hears that outside a small boy just started to cry

'Cause it's his turn but his brother won't let him try

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song

You can't believe it

You were always singing along

It was so easy and the words so sweet

You can't remember

You try to move your feet

It was so easy and the words so sweet

You can't remember, you try to feel the beat....

I'm curbing the fantasies...

or desperately trying to.

hard day, the endorphin from all the exercise is wearing off.

--

in other news, Hawks win in overtime :)

keeps me happy enough.

I am SO close to giving up on you.

...

actually, scratch that. I already have.

peace out, brotha.

This spells disaster!! D:

for my GPA, anyway.

I fail.

I've decided I really hate gym leaders.

(in pokemon. duh.)

they're just douchebags, no matter how you look at it D:

... except for Wattson. I liek him.

and in midst of all the tragedies and uncertainties,

people can all still celebrate in unison when someone gets engaged.

cuteness. :3

ah, what pain.

I feel like I've been abandoned.

or that I've been left for dead.

is there any love left for me?

I think I'm in love with him.

but I shouldn't be.

Dude.

Did anyone else know it was possible for an *egg* to get Pokerus in the Pokemon games?

It's news to me, but it's hilarious at the same time XD

holy SNAPSKIS I *just* got tired.

all from playing ultimate with my ward for FHE and watching the Blackhawks game and getting riled up about it, I'm sure XD

good stuff! but, tiredddd.

sleep! and then dinner date across the continent tomorrow!

but, mostly sleep.

p.s. Happy birthday, Mom :)

I'm sure it'll trickle through the grapevine sooner or later (or maybe not, considering the circumstances), but man. You picked a good time to move out of the ward, brotha-friend.

Considering the timing of the conversation we had yesterday, holy weirdness Batman.

or rather, holy sad day, Mr. Theopolis.

....

I said too much, I'm sorry, don't kill me D:>

yum.

I must say, that is rather dashing.

:P

I'm in the middle of a peanut butter phase, can you tell? teehee.

what matters to you doesn't matter to me.

what matters to me doesn't matter to you.

what matters to you doesn't matter to them -

what matters to them doesn't change anything.

Out of nowhere

You came

From a little dust

And a little rain

And when I looked down at

Your face

It showed to me

The truth in grace

I will always try to keep you very safe.

---

I know you can overcome this and become the man you've always wanted to be.

I can't express my feelings and thoughts in words, but I hope you understand.

I hope my feelings of trust and hope in your future makes its way to your guitar. It seems like that's the best place to get you.

---

I won't always

Be this strong

And I won't always

Be the one

To kiss the bruise

Or heal the scrapes

To wipe the tear drops

From your face

But I will always love you more each day.

My emotions are the most inconsistent things ever.

I was a crumbling mess of myself until Sunday when I started serving and getting back into the swing of things. Monday and Tuesday weren't bad either, nothing ridiculous (except for a flighty email from my teacher inviting me to a party with the rest of the studio).

Today, though, I had to spent a couple hours in the HFAC. It gave me a headache and I was in the worst mood after I left. Granted, some of it was because I was tired and hungry, but it just... blah.

And now, thinking about the studio and what I'm doing, I don't know where I belong. I fit into my ward, but that's all about to change. I used to fit in my studio, but now I'm not going to be with them as much anymore. I used to know where I was going, but now I've lost the path.

I'm still going back to God, but that's really all I'm sure about.

Tonight, I knelt in the middle of my room with my heart on a table before God. I asked him what to do with it. He couldn't tell me.

I began to cry.

All at once my roommates came in and, with a head on each shoulder, they began to comfort me that words can not even describe.

With my face half buried in Andrea's shoulder and the rest covered by my hand, I couldn't help but ask, "Why?" Why did He take away quite possibly the only thing I've ever wanted? Why, after all the prayers and blessings did I still fail?

The tears trickled down my arm, and I couldn't help it. Why?

I know because He closed this door He'll open a window somewhere.

But it hurts.

I have failed.

But time will still move, with or without me. Gotta remember to embrace the other blessings God has given me.

But I need time.

I have been asked to back off.

Not by the person I'm trying to help, but by God.

So, if you happen upon this, I'm sorry. I can't help you anymore. Not because I don't want to, but because God says he's trying to take care of you in the best way that he knows how. You just have to be patient.

"Just have a little patience."

It'll work out.

And that's literally the last thing I can say.

three words.

you can probably guess what they are.

they're too much and not enough at the same time.

ever feel that way?

so I found a site today that provides an alternative to shampoo.

I think, in the summer, I'm going to try it. just to see. just for fun!

what's life without a little experimentation??

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends, is like having your dog die and your mum saying you can still keep it.

I know life has to be tough for it to be worth it, but confusion is no bueno.

darnit!

you know something is weird/wrong when you're registering for classes on the same day as your freshman friends. ¬_¬

hakuna matata

and I love him.

:)

I put that slip of paper that you gave me on my headboard, just like I told you I would.

and then I wrote a song for you.

and listened to a different one.

--

I feel safe, I feel warm
When you're here and I do no wrong
I am cured when I'm by your side
I'm alright, alright

I am safe when I am with you
And I feel warm if you want me to
I am cured when I'm by your side
I'm alright

Careful where you stand, my love
Careful where you lay your head
It's true we're always looking out for one another

I feel safe when I am with you
And I feel warm when you want me to
I am cured when you are around
I'm alright>

Careful where you stand, my love
Careful where you lay your head
It's true we're always looking out for one another

So, I like a quiet time, please
Yeah, I like a quiet time

And careful where you stand
Now, careful where you stand

-Coldplay

You know, lots of people are talking about getting their wisdom teeth out. At least, friends from back home and such. I don't think I ever told you about it! Although it was abnormally boring.

I didn't get laughing gas or anasthesia (is that the same thing?) so I was awake for the entire process. They just numbed up my jaw and got to work. My wisdom teeth grew in super straight, they told me that was weird. They also said it was weird how early they came in. Anyway, they went in, cut open the gum if the tooth was still stuck in there (one was), pulled it out and sewed it back shut. Twice more (I still have one wisdom tooth, teehee) and I was done. Bam. I had to get a few stitches in one of the places because that particular tooth was so goshdarn big, but whatev. The whole thing only took about 30 minutes.

Oh, and I didn't swell up when it was over.

At all.

I did have to keep gauze in my mouth for a few hours afterwards because I was bleeding so much, but after that, I got nothin'. :P

Hmm, I just realized I should've asked them if I could've taken my rejected teeth home with me so I could've put them under my pillow for monies...

Daybreak

Listen to this, really. Take 6 minutes out of your crazy day for this. this is an incredible piece of music.

just do it.

-------

Something was bound to go right sometime today
All these broken pieces fit together to make a perfect picture of us
It got cold and then dark so suddenly and rained
It rained so hard the two of us were the only thing
That we could see for miles and miles

And in the middle of the flood I felt my worth
When you held onto me like I was your little life raft
Please know that you were mine as well
Drops of water hit the ground like god's own tears
And spread out into shapes like
Salad bowls and basins and buckets for bailing out the flood

-------

I was a life raft to someone today. I hope I can continue to buoy them up and help them realize how serious I am and how true it is when I tell them that they are a child of God, and that they're worth everything that they are.

Because I believe it.

But that doesn't mean I can have faith for you.

Remember who you are, 'kay? Don't forget. It's hard to remember something you've forgotten.

Iloveyou.

I think I'm in trouble.

a momentary surge of adrenalin.

a deep breath.

a flutter, a skipped heartbeat.

what's wrong with me?

squeeze your eyes shut,

hope it disappears

when you open them again -

no such luck.

♫

We'll be fine in the morning.
We'll be fine in the morning.
It's getting late so we must sleep.
We'll see you in the morning,
Eileen.

insert name of your choice.

like, Taylor. Andrea. Natalie. Emily.

or even...

Rachael.

Don't give up.

Ever.

"Like, when some people graduate, they tend to start cutting back on communication/wean off contact so that when they do leave it doesn't hurt as badly as it would if you were still talking 25/7.

Instead of going cold turkey with friendships, you just cease slowly. It's not something that I'm saying should be happening. It's really not a good thing. But for some, it makes sense.

And I'm guessing in the end it is less painful.

It's still harder in the long run I think."

--

You would be right.

But I think it's ironic that it's what we just did, even though we always promised we wouldn't.

*shrug*

Rachel is a valiant little fighter,
All pound and three-quarters of premature chagrin.
Charged with Herculean desperation,
Holding fast to pulse and respiration,
Each day her elfin grip a little tighter:
Loving life so much, she has to win.

--Nicholas Gordon

they spelled it wrong. boo.

still, it's cool.

A date which will live in infamy.

For today, I declare that I have finally learned to love.



--


happy 400th post everyone. thank you for bearing with me thus far, at whatever point you started this journey with me.

Part of me tells me I will never understand.


And the rest of me has to agree. I don't understand why you always do this.

Y'know, everytime we go into a lull of not talking to each other, each one gets longer than the last one.

I know you're not ignoring me, but seriously. Do take some consideration.


You did call me your best friend, once upon a time.

Do try to remember that, if nothing else.

I think I would really like a huge thunderstorm.

Actually, I am in great need of a giant thunderstorm.

A thunderstorm that will light up the sky, one that will scare people from going outside, one that will shake the Earth itself. I want it to be a reminder to everyone of God's infinite power.



...

Highly unlikely in Provo, but I can pray for it nonetheless.

I'm either super hungry, or super nervous. Possibly both.

Hopefully this game doesn't last for too much longer, else this will make a permanent impression on my personality.

*brick'd*

Here am I. Send me.

This Saturday, my roommate will be auditioning for the the school of music here at BYU. She was asking me all sorts of things (which is weird, I'm not as well versed with all the things you're supposed to do to get in here). One of the things she has to do is take an aural exam. On it you need to do basic things as recognize intervals, select the correct harmonic progression, etc. For BYU, you need to score at LEAST 32/64, if I'm not mistaken. Please remember that fact.

I never wanted to go to BYU in my entire life. However, in a Bishop's interview the previous November (aka less than a MONTH before the application was due!!!), he suggested to me that I should apply for BYU. A little reluctantly, I did. I halfheartedly filled out the application, cut some corners, and submitted it. I thought little of it.

After doing the requirements for the school of music here at the Y, I went out for a lesson with Bro. Smith, the bassoon prof. He was really chill and taught in a way that made sense to me, and I loved it. On my way out the door, he commented that he would take the lesson that we just had and would count it for my audition. (Which meant, I wouldn't have to fly back out to Utah the following April when all of my final projects and things were going on for my senior year of high school! I didn't realize how much of a tender mercy that was until April happened.)

Now, I also had to do that aural exam. Remember what the lowest score was allowed to be?

I got 29/64.

Not good enough.

No less than 2 days later (Jan. 30th, '08), I got a notification in my email telling me that BYU had decided upon my admission. I followed the link, signed on a thousand times, and eventually came across a letter telling me I was rejected.

Reading this in my first period of class was distressing, and I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the day. My mom eventually came to pull me from school and I went home sobbing.

At the time, I didn't understand. Why was I so emotional over this? I didn't want to go there! It was a waste of time and a clichéd Mormon thing. I would be taking someone else's spot who wanted to go there more desperately than I did.

Well, my eternal and wise mother counseled that I should email Bro. Smith and tell him the news. Regretfully (at the time), I did. He replied within the hour, and this is what he said.

Before you give up all hope of getting into BYU, let me look into this situation. Sometimes we, on the music side, can have some pull with admissions. I won’t know until I do a bit of research. I will be in touch with you within a week or so about this.

I'm so grateful he did what he did. He must've pulled a lot of strings to get me in here, and I can't help but realize how much influence my meeting with him did. I'm grateful my previous bassoon teacher told me to have a lesson with him *BEFORE* the audition - which turned out to be my audition in the first place.

Two weeks later, Bro. Smith told me he was submitting his letter of recommendation to the school of music for my acceptance. He estimated an official letter within two or three days, but that was certainly not the case.

March 12th, he sent me an email asking me about scholarship information. (Which, by the way, God knew was a huge deciding factor in my college decision.) I told him I had not yet received a letter from BYU proclaiming my acceptance. He told me to check the website, since he had been told a few days prior that I had been accepted.

FINALLY: March 19th was the day that I officially got my letter telling of my acceptance to Brigham Young University.

I accepted, got my scholarship, spent that last summer with my glorious friends (some of who just didn't understand why I was going so far away for school), and flew off that August with a heavy heart. Things in Illinois - and me, for that matter - would never be the same.




Now, I don't tell you all that to boast. I merely show this HUGE tender mercy in my life to you so that you can know as well as I do that the Lord lives, and that he answers prayers. I didn't know why he wanted me to go to BYU, and I still don't completely understand why I'm here. All I know is that the Lord knows what's best, and I can do nothing without him.

♥

So.

It has begun.

Ward War 1 has unfolded, and I am a target as well as anyone.

Let the stalking begin!



XD

So I've been listening to Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" on repeat for the last hour. It brings me a certain peace, somehow. It's ironic, I think.

In all seriousness, it's 2010.

2010.

It's so bizarre. We've reached a new decade, and each year seems to fly by faster and faster. I never wanted to grow up, and I think to a point, I never will.

I'm more in love with life every day that I live it, and I am constantly striving to learn new things and try to do things that the Lord would want me to do. Specifically, I'm trying to show my love for the people I love so much more than I already do. Sometimes I assume that people just know these things, that I love them as much as I do. But sometimes words are not enough. I don't really know how to show all my love for my wonderful, patient, cheerful, loving friends - but I know I can try and that I can better.

I've always been protective - and always a little bit jealous - of my friends. Tonight, for example, when I was driving home with some people I knew in a blizzard (I'm not kidding - this was worse than any snowstorm Illinois could conjure up), I called my 2 roommates to make sure they were safe. At the end of both phone calls, I told them I loved them.

Now, I don't know if they really know how much I love them, but that doesn't matter. We all got home in one piece (err, three?) and we were too tired to do much else but go to sleep. (Except me, hence why I'm updating this at 2am MST.)

But back to the jealousy. Thinking about it now, all the other times I ever got jealous about someone or something else was because they could show their love that much better than I could. I wanted to be able to express my deep felt love to someone, tell them that I prayed for their protection every night, tell them that I would honestly sacrifice anything I had to make them happy. I've never been able to say that phrase, "Whatever makes you happy makes me happy." Or however that goes. I never knew why until I realized that jealousy was hindering my progress. It took a long time to see that, but now I'm empowered because I know.

They said knowledge is power, and it really is.



...
Anyways. I'm rambling and not making much sense. Time for bed, I s'ppose.

the sound of our voices made us forget everything
that had ever hurt our feelings.



at least, that's what we hoped.


sometimes it doesn't ever go according to plan...

I gave in and starting writing a Pokemon fanfiction.

What new low have I sunk to? T_T

...

XD

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I can't help you, Lemur. I'm sorry you get as angry as you do. I'm sorry I can't make you see that you're a talented writer, just like the rest of us.

I'm blessed to have met someone like you, Lemur. Stereotypes got in the way a little at first, and I was wary of you, but I've grown fond of you.


However, through that fondness comes distaste. I can't change your personality, but...

"I realize I'm not endearing myself to you right now, so sorry."

Because you were worried about that before?

But I digress. Your opinion alone would scorch my self-esteem into cinders, but somehow I stand by your side and wish the best for you.

I don't know... I don't ever know.

aah, my FAMILY!

I ache for them already.

it's gonna be a long 6 months. :(

at least my youngest brother got a Facebook. ha?