So once upon a time I went to college for the first time and met all of these brother/sister duos running around and being all awesome to each other. When I met them, I thought, "That is so cool! I'm sure me and my brother could never have a relationship like that, we're too weird for that."
But lo and behold, four months out of him coming out to Provo with half the fam in tow and I'm SUPER exited for him to be out here.
What changed?
Well, frankly I have no idea. But I do know that the last time I had a proper one-on-one with my brother was way back when I was 18 and he was 16.
A lot can change in two years, especially for a boy. He's no longer the kid I thought he was, so now I just get to know him all over again and vice versa.
It'll be sweet, I think. And mostly I can just hang out with him enough to swat away all the girls. XD
Here's to the future.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I want a child-themed birthday party. Like, Peter Pan inspired.
I can see it. White christmas lights hanging from all corners of the ceiling, with pillow forts and s'mores made from roasting over the stove-top, a sleepover with giggles late into the night. And story-telling! Or maybe just reading them aloud. Cheesy romance movies and squeals of delight (or disgust) when the characters kiss. Stargazing, even if it's just with fake glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the ceiling.
Oh, the things I dream about at 5am...
I can see it. White christmas lights hanging from all corners of the ceiling, with pillow forts and s'mores made from roasting over the stove-top, a sleepover with giggles late into the night. And story-telling! Or maybe just reading them aloud. Cheesy romance movies and squeals of delight (or disgust) when the characters kiss. Stargazing, even if it's just with fake glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the ceiling.
Oh, the things I dream about at 5am...
Friday, May 20, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
I've always been curious about deja vu. Does it mean anything? Or is it just one of those things?
Does it perhaps mean that this is the path I'm best meant to take? That these people and experiences are supposed to stick out?
Like... this is how it's supposed to have gone.
Time is weird, I reckon all the Doctor Who is getting to my head... messing everything up, really XD
Does it perhaps mean that this is the path I'm best meant to take? That these people and experiences are supposed to stick out?
Like... this is how it's supposed to have gone.
Time is weird, I reckon all the Doctor Who is getting to my head... messing everything up, really XD
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
A Letter to the Void
I had a dream about you last night. Don't worry, it wasn't anything weird like how it's happened before, but it was... different.
A long time ago, I was adamant that I fell in love with you. I firmly believed that we could never fall away, and that by some twist of fate or destiny or something we would always stay close friends and that you would eventually come to your senses and fall in love back.
It sounds ridiculous and stupid, I know. I have to live with my brain all the time, you only get to see windows of it. Aren't we both just so lucky?
Anyhow.
In this dream, we were together. Not together-together, you were just... here. With me. Sitting on the balcony of my complex and we were talking. Like we used to, you know. The quiet voices, the fleeting touches, or maybe that was my imagination. Did we ever even have any of that? But in my head, you were here, and you were with me, and I felt like nothing had changed.
But everything's gone wrong now. We haven't spoken in days, weeks, months. And soon those months will turn into years and you'll just be a name to me. Has it already been years, at this point? Did our friendship truly die that day in late August when I begged you not to forget me, likely knowing inside my heart somewhere that you were already on your way out? And then the months that followed when I tried and tried in vain to get your attention, fueling my efforts into a cause that could never be?
Those days are long gone. And you know, that's okay. We've both changed for the better, I think, and one day we can look back and say "Yeah, I remember them. An' I learned how to love better cos of it." The photography trips we never did, the talks in the car in the parking lot, the stories we tried to tell (and the consequent deadlines that came and went with little consequence). The first time you called me back, the night we ran away from our friends across the moonless park because we had gotten into a disagreement about which star was actually the North Star, the first time you reciprocated and called me your sister.
Oh, but I miss those; and you, though you've thankfully left my subconscious alone of late. Don't cross my mind much these days; I can even read your Facebook updates with an unimpressed blank stare. (Which, let's be honest, is quite the improvement to when I had to hide all your activity from my news feed lest I gave myself a heart attack. I'm really lame, we both already knew this.)
Although, I think it's awe that I feel to know that I don't even know you anymore. More astounding to me is the fact that I'm not even sure I want to.
I love you, and I always have. But when we get together we compress into this too-small mold of who we used to be, and who we aren't anymore. And so we squirm, uncomfortable, until the miles reign us back into silence and observance. And there we stay, a memory, a constant and unchanging companion to the other as we make our seemingly unchanging route through our lives, which ultimately end up being the two most opposite paths you can come up with.
And we drift... slowly, until the crack becomes a canyon, and both of us are too happy about where we ended up that we can't be bothered to fix it.
It's okay. When you're gone, we won't say your name.
It tastes strange on my tongue after all this time, anyway.
(p.s. If my subconscious had portrayed an accurate description of how you're actually looking now [which, who knows], you look great. Keep your 'ead up love, you're destined for greater things.)
A long time ago, I was adamant that I fell in love with you. I firmly believed that we could never fall away, and that by some twist of fate or destiny or something we would always stay close friends and that you would eventually come to your senses and fall in love back.
It sounds ridiculous and stupid, I know. I have to live with my brain all the time, you only get to see windows of it. Aren't we both just so lucky?
Anyhow.
In this dream, we were together. Not together-together, you were just... here. With me. Sitting on the balcony of my complex and we were talking. Like we used to, you know. The quiet voices, the fleeting touches, or maybe that was my imagination. Did we ever even have any of that? But in my head, you were here, and you were with me, and I felt like nothing had changed.
But everything's gone wrong now. We haven't spoken in days, weeks, months. And soon those months will turn into years and you'll just be a name to me. Has it already been years, at this point? Did our friendship truly die that day in late August when I begged you not to forget me, likely knowing inside my heart somewhere that you were already on your way out? And then the months that followed when I tried and tried in vain to get your attention, fueling my efforts into a cause that could never be?
Those days are long gone. And you know, that's okay. We've both changed for the better, I think, and one day we can look back and say "Yeah, I remember them. An' I learned how to love better cos of it." The photography trips we never did, the talks in the car in the parking lot, the stories we tried to tell (and the consequent deadlines that came and went with little consequence). The first time you called me back, the night we ran away from our friends across the moonless park because we had gotten into a disagreement about which star was actually the North Star, the first time you reciprocated and called me your sister.
Oh, but I miss those; and you, though you've thankfully left my subconscious alone of late. Don't cross my mind much these days; I can even read your Facebook updates with an unimpressed blank stare. (Which, let's be honest, is quite the improvement to when I had to hide all your activity from my news feed lest I gave myself a heart attack. I'm really lame, we both already knew this.)
Although, I think it's awe that I feel to know that I don't even know you anymore. More astounding to me is the fact that I'm not even sure I want to.
I love you, and I always have. But when we get together we compress into this too-small mold of who we used to be, and who we aren't anymore. And so we squirm, uncomfortable, until the miles reign us back into silence and observance. And there we stay, a memory, a constant and unchanging companion to the other as we make our seemingly unchanging route through our lives, which ultimately end up being the two most opposite paths you can come up with.
And we drift... slowly, until the crack becomes a canyon, and both of us are too happy about where we ended up that we can't be bothered to fix it.
It's okay. When you're gone, we won't say your name.
It tastes strange on my tongue after all this time, anyway.
(p.s. If my subconscious had portrayed an accurate description of how you're actually looking now [which, who knows], you look great. Keep your 'ead up love, you're destined for greater things.)
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Tonight was a very strange kind of sadness. I think mostly because I thought I was fine. Could be fluctuations in hormones, but who am I to be rational about those sorts of things? (If you're a man reading that, don't worry. We don't get it either.)
It was like a constant state of waiting to bawl my eyes out. The itching behind my eyes was even there for a lot of it, and it all just made me want to throw my laptop against my headboard and just be done with it. But I'm far too attached to this lovely hunk of junk, let's be honest...
Although, I just realized this could be aftershock of the splitting headache that woke me up at 5am yesterday morning and made me feel somewhat sick for the rest of today.
In either case, today was peculiar. That's a good word.
The other thing that might've set me off was I told Melissa and Robyn about the night Patrick skipped town. Reliving that was... strange. (I missed Andrea a lot at this point too, mrr.) Out of anybody that's left so far I miss him by far the most, which is odd to me. Well, not really. He's the closest that I've ever known to come even a parsec close to my father's personality and humor. And value for entertainment - my dad always finds the joys in the most simplest pleasures in life (slinkies and all manners of cool gadgets and gizmos) and Patty was basically the same as all that. I still really wish I would've realized it sooner. But it wouldn't have mattered; there's another girl and I'm not keen to get in the way of anybody's romance. XD
I bought plane tickets home, by the way. Can't wait to see everybody again before Craig goes off and turns nineteen and serves somewhere crazy. (I still think he'll stay stateside, though. One of his lungs collapsed a year and a half ago and the doctor who saw him around won't want him gallivanting off to Asia or something.)
And speaking of MISSIONARIES, holy crap freshman friends coming home now o.o! Most excited to see Scotty, I tried to write him religiously but we both tuckered out by the last five months, XD. Melly said all of her friends waited 'til they got back to Provo, so we'll see how things go. I keep getting mega excited when I see his picture pop up in my news feed. Blimey... I sound like such a priss. Derp. Just ignore the fangirl behind the curtain, nothing to see here, move along.
Anyway... it's nearing 4:30 and I've really got to be getting on a less-than-obscure sleeping schedule *brick'd*.
Hope things are going well for all y'all. I'm fine, really, in case you got any other kind of impression. I just shouldn't trust myself to stay up past 2am anymore. Ha-ha.
But yeah. Spare a thought for me in your prayers, if you can. I could use a pick-me-up. Let me know if I can do anything for you, I could more use to get my mind off of things :P
It was like a constant state of waiting to bawl my eyes out. The itching behind my eyes was even there for a lot of it, and it all just made me want to throw my laptop against my headboard and just be done with it. But I'm far too attached to this lovely hunk of junk, let's be honest...
Although, I just realized this could be aftershock of the splitting headache that woke me up at 5am yesterday morning and made me feel somewhat sick for the rest of today.
In either case, today was peculiar. That's a good word.
The other thing that might've set me off was I told Melissa and Robyn about the night Patrick skipped town. Reliving that was... strange. (I missed Andrea a lot at this point too, mrr.) Out of anybody that's left so far I miss him by far the most, which is odd to me. Well, not really. He's the closest that I've ever known to come even a parsec close to my father's personality and humor. And value for entertainment - my dad always finds the joys in the most simplest pleasures in life (slinkies and all manners of cool gadgets and gizmos) and Patty was basically the same as all that. I still really wish I would've realized it sooner. But it wouldn't have mattered; there's another girl and I'm not keen to get in the way of anybody's romance. XD
I bought plane tickets home, by the way. Can't wait to see everybody again before Craig goes off and turns nineteen and serves somewhere crazy. (I still think he'll stay stateside, though. One of his lungs collapsed a year and a half ago and the doctor who saw him around won't want him gallivanting off to Asia or something.)
And speaking of MISSIONARIES, holy crap freshman friends coming home now o.o! Most excited to see Scotty, I tried to write him religiously but we both tuckered out by the last five months, XD. Melly said all of her friends waited 'til they got back to Provo, so we'll see how things go. I keep getting mega excited when I see his picture pop up in my news feed. Blimey... I sound like such a priss. Derp. Just ignore the fangirl behind the curtain, nothing to see here, move along.
Anyway... it's nearing 4:30 and I've really got to be getting on a less-than-obscure sleeping schedule *brick'd*.
Hope things are going well for all y'all. I'm fine, really, in case you got any other kind of impression. I just shouldn't trust myself to stay up past 2am anymore. Ha-ha.
But yeah. Spare a thought for me in your prayers, if you can. I could use a pick-me-up. Let me know if I can do anything for you, I could more use to get my mind off of things :P
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