Embarrassment is a pointless emotion that only serves to confuse and over exaggerate reality.

--

earlier this evening, my roommate Andrea walked into the front room while she was flossing and asked, completely up front and out of nowhere, "Rachael, what do you think your greatest potential for your life is?"

um, whoa dang. talk about a deep subject from the get-go.

after pondering for a moment, I told her the greatest thing for me would be to know that I have influenced many people for good; including but not limited to bringing them to know the nature of God, having them be comfortable with me as a "go to" person, helping them know that everything works itself out.

in a similar fashion, Andrea said she wanted to be able to bring at least one person to know the true nature of their individual worth, but the more the better.

and then...

then we started talking about being happy. and perfection.

now, earlier as we surfed stumbleupon, we came upon this page, which I find very valuable. my favorite on the list being this:

From the CEO of a major corporation to the lowly janitor who sweeps where his boss stands; they are all insecure.

it came up several times in our conversation, and we discussed truly being happy with ourselves - which includes letting go and accepting our imperfections 100%. this is no easy task, as I'm sure everyone is aware.

Andrea mentioned that she doesn't accept compliment without criticism - which is why when our dear friend Taylor came over several hours previous to this, he kept complimenting the picture she gave him because he knew she wouldn't believe it. (she's trying to get better. I believe she is.)

but it reminded me of several things. first, when I went to go chat with my friend Emily who lives upstairs. we talked about a similar thing, but how we expend energy on worrying and fussing about things we're already good at to hide up our inadequacies. But the point, as me and Andrea discussed, is that we're not supposed to be perfect. we're supposed to be lacking, to have weaknesses, that's the entire point of our lives: growth!

but then I realized another important conversation I had with my bassoon prof after I was denied to the performance program. in short, he asked me out front what my plan was now. I didn't know, I was just trying to keep my head up and to keep moving forward. Life goes on, and I was trying to remind myself that. He went through several scenarios, and I wavered around and he probably knew that I was flailing and didn't really want a pep talk at the time. so as I was leaving, he told me this:

"Don't let the [degree] define you."

but, upon reflection, I found that I've been doing just that. I've been waiting for some miraculous vision from heaven coming down to tell me what to major in, what to do with my life so I could be most effective. I've been wanting other people to make life's decisions for me, just because I'm inadequate and don't want to face it, just because I don't really know my full potential, just because I'm terrified of this life that I have...!

I want to be something that's out of my reach. for now. I can become something wonderful, something inspiring. but I have to start first.


so, there's a glimpse of my "something wonderful".

but I want you to ask yourself about your potential. where do you want to go? what do you want to do? what would be the biggest and best accomplishment, in your mind?

and do you trust in your Heavenly Father to help you get there?



--

Mr. Theopolis, I've always been scared to ask, but I wanna know what it's like. will you read me, sometime?
/aside

post numero 500! whooaaaaa.

I've been around this thing far too long, XD

and it's really entertaining/depressing to read some of my first entries, like omg. some are super embarrassing, too, haha! but it's that level of growth I'm happy about. :D

anyway. holla~

I could really use a snuggle buddy. or a heating pad. or a fleece blanket.

... naaah, snuggle buddy. chalk it up to my number one need.

T_T

blah. I hate feeling complicated when I'm not. boo.


edit: have a video. it's neat.

well then.

I have an awesome way of going about doing things that I really shouldn't be putting effort into.

that was cryptic. my bad.

fancy this. I get ready to go to temple trip. get stuck in car with some unknown, albeit cute, boy. go up to temple trip, have a fancy time, he drives me/roommates home. over the course of several months, I discover we can't be any more different (I'm serious, the difference gap is MASSIVE). however, over the course of said several months, I discover that I have this inordinate crush on this boy.

awesome. they say opposites attract, but this seems a little excessive.



I have a love/hate relationship with myself about the fact that I always do this. XD


'nother brick wall post, don't mind me.

10 hours and 23 chapters read of Deathly Hallows.

yep, it's HP week.

every once in a while, I get this strange fear that people put up a front of liking me when they actually hate me.

it doesn't make sense, but this only happens once in a while.

but I've seen it enough in others to wonder about it.


and for the record, I'd really just prefer somebody to just come up and say they didn't wanna be friends if they don't want to. I think I'd survive.



it makes me want to try my hand at more sincerity and gratitude. it would definitely be interesting to see what I would say instead.

so tonight I went up to play pinochle with some friends after the end of this horrendous week. (I made it out alive... sortof.) we played 'til well after curfew but thanks to daylight savings rationalized away our sins :P

anyway, when we were done we started talking. we had done one of those fail!classic things of battle of the sexes. (I know, I know. blah.) so of course we said a couple trash talk comments afterwards, as the girls had beat the boys by well over 1400 points, and we jokingly made a comment about how girls were better. one of the opinionated guys - very nice, but very smart and intimidating in that way - said he didn't think that, outside of emotional dealios, that women are better than men. the other girl backed down way quick, and I didn't wanna fight with him at 12/1am. too much effort if you ask me.

but anyway.

I'd like to point out that I think I've seen enough to believe that men are VERY fragile when it comes to emotions, and maybe in some cases more so. (yes, I know: "not me!!" relax. there are always exceptions, and I'm not judging. just generalizing. :P ) women tend to trust a little more openly at first, willing to trust on a basic level and share things as they pertain to the circumstance around them. not to say that men don't, but to get to the sharing-personal-stories level is hard to get to, in my experience. it just doesn't happen that often. however, when you get right down to the core of trust and understanding people, if you break them when you're that close, you basically snap them in half. women and men alike, I think, but I think that because women tend to open themselves up earlier/faster, they're somewhat used to that - if not just on a basic level. not so much for the men. I have seen this a LOT, in my brothers and many of my male friends. when you break a man that far down, it takes a long time for them to recover from a thing like that. some don't recover at all. yes, men don't like to share emotions as much as women. that's fact for life. but they are just as breakable as everything else.

blabla ad nauseam.

my roommate also found a study (I need to get sources to back this up, so don't quote me) that wanted to look at the brain activity in women who compare themselves to other [for body shape, personality, etc]. They found that group of women they wanted and ran their tests and found the spot in the brain that controls that. great. they ran off to find a control group of women who felt good about themselves to see what their brains looked like. surprisingly, the control group still had that kind of activity going on in their brain, even though they felt good about themselves. it was much smaller, comparatively, but every one of those women they looked at had that kind of activity going on in there on a subconscious level at best. HOWEVER, the only people they could find that didn't have that activity going on was in...? yep, you guessed it, men.

so the reason you have to give girls so many words of encouragement and reaffirm your love/support/etc is because they're WIRED for that. if you don't say something or whatever you'd do (pertaining to love languages or what have you), they'll run off and find someone who does. fact for life. it's not that we're high maintenance or whatever else, we can't even help it. some have it less severe than others, sure, but it's still present. plus, that's why we compliment each other so dang much. we've gotta keep those chemical balances in check :P it's not a double standard that men can't compliment other men, or we don't try to make it that way, men just don't need it as much XD

anyway. call that what you will, I just needed a brick wall to vent at before I went to bed. *thumbs up*

happy end of daylight savings? and november! yeah. :)

y'know, there are some preeeeetty opinionated people out there. and that's okay, really.

but I don't think the spirit works in a way where it can't be inspirational for one person, but not another.

also: I so don't agree with labeling stuff as false doctrine as blantly as they did. because who actually knows? ¬_¬ yeah, exactly. I'm not gonna tell you now, but I liked that talk. way to kill my opinion on the matter.