For this new year, I want...

• to learn how to keep a straight face
  (it seems like such a useful talent XD )
• to be motivated in my weight loss challenge
  (don't give me that look.)
  
• to get a hardcore tan in the summer like I used to have
  (it'll be easy! the air is thinner in Provo. haha)
• to make the performance program!
  (practice, practice, practice! ... omai.)
• to be more decisive and follow through about what's worth pursuing, and what's not.

More to come! Probably.

when the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something that you can't replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste

could it be worse?

Self-report Component
Subscale IQ score = 126
Subscale percentile = 96

According to your self-report answers, your emotional intelligence is good. People who score like you do feel that they have little trouble understanding and dealing with their own emotions and those of others. They generally are able to overcome difficulties in their lives and they are able to control their moods in all but the most trying of times. It’s easy for them to motivate themselves to overcome obstacles and reach their goals. In addition, they find social interactions to be quite easy and fulfilling, for several reasons. They are comfortable allowing themselves to get close with others, and feel comfortable being vulnerable enough to establish intimacy. They also report having an easy time offering support to others; this is likely due to an empathetic nature and a clear mind when it comes to offering good advice.

(here)

cool, eh? XD

I took this a couple months ago and got 117. Either I've improved, or I just played the system (albeit unconsciously). hehe!

In essence, Jesus said love everyone.


But how do you discern when it's a case of not being able to love, versus a test of knowing when to stand up and defend yourself is an entirely different case.



I've just decided which it is.

and I'm just learning every step of the way.

It's another lonely night.

Which is really too bad; I really like dates.


Of course, it's also a huge bummer going through the Christmas season single.

is there something about me that I'm missing that makes me undesirable? there must be something completely obvious that I can't see. Can anyone fill in the gap for me?

I'm just tired of being confused.

and I'm sleepy. I should go to bed.

Happy December!
:3


19 days *^-^*

train of thought

(enjoy.)

whenever I hear or read about Taylor Swift's song, "You Belong With Me", I start singing a Coldplay song [[Swallowed in the Sea]] that repeats that phrase several times.

and then I think about you guys.

don't ask me how that connects, but I do.

I luff you guys. I can't wait to see you at Christmas. :3

Today, I've decided that I need a stand-in boyfriend.


(or a real one. that would be awesome too.)


Especially since all the ones who like me right now scare me.


So..... any suggestions? XD

I like letters.

I like them a lot.

And I especially like them when they're from somewhere outside of the country or Illinois.

*^-^*

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

"What If" and "Psychiatrist".


*nodding*


Classic. ^-^

ohmygosh.

NO SHAVE NOVEMEBERRRRRR!!

I nearly forgot :D

happy month! take lotsa pictures, homeslices ^-^

now for something completely different...

Happy November! :D

That means... [[30+11=]] 41 DAYS until my audition. 5 weeks and six days.

Meeeep.

also: it's cold in my room. I wish the circulation was better in here XD

other also: it's 12:30 (1:30? daylight savings time, wheeeee!). why aren't I in bed?

oh yeah, because inspiration for creativity can't wait. curse you, brain!

;P

Cuz I don't know you
And you don't know me
It's the same sun rising
We all just look to the sky
If we try
We can work it out somehow
If you don't know me
And I don't know you
How can we be fighting
We're all connected it's true
Reaching out
It's only love that pulls us through



so don't judge me.

and don't you DARE condemn me for something I had very little influence on.

I'm 1,500 miles away. Can't you understand that drama like this stupid beyond all pretenses?

You have your family and an intact social system. What do I have, or what could I DO, that could possibly be a threat to you?

And if you say, "You're not a threat to me", don't act like it is.

¬_¬

Oh, irony. How I love you.


...sortof.

Now the question is, What do I do for Thanksgiving now?

MakesMeThink

-- Today, a blind stranger told me he could hear the song in my smile. MMT

There are some days I have faith in humanity, and some days I don't.

Some days I believe in myself and know I can make it through anything, and there are some days - lots of days - I don't know how I'll make it.

-- Today, my teacher told me to "make a good day." I replied, "Don't you mean 'have a good day?'" He smiled and said, "No, you can't have a good day, you need to make it a good day." MMT

There are some days I don't believe that my close friends really love me; that they would answer my phone calls to just listen to me. There are some days where I feel like the only living person in Provo.

-- Today my mom told me, "The best things in life are not things." MMT

Or that maybe people don't think about me as much as I do them; that people don't understand and accept my level of curiosity. I worry that I annoy people, or that I mistakenly drift towards people with the same level of humor as me.

-- Today, while running intervals in cross country practice, everyone was complaining about being exhausted. In the background, I heard one of my teammates declare just how beautiful a day it was. Everyone stopped and looked around. It was a beautiful day. MMT

But really...

This life is beautiful. Wonderful. So infinitely precious.

-- Today, I met a guy who asked me if it was the best day of my life. I said it was and he said, "Me too!" When I asked why, he said, "Because yesterday is the past and tomorrow isn't guaranteed, that's why this very moment is the best moment of my life." MMT

Don't ever do something you'll regret, because they're never worth it. Don't ever say something you won't mean, because it'll sting forever.


But regardless of all of that fluffy stuff that'll make your brain/teeth rot...




I love you.



(Yes, you.)


Very, very much.

♥♥♥

I

love love love love love love love love

SNOW PATROL!!!!

they are pretty much the snazziest band.

EVER!

and Gary is hilarious. ahaha! "Your phones look funny. Like little aliens. ... Hello, little aliens!"

anyway. SET:

1. "If There's a Rocket Tie Me to It"
2. "Chocolate"
3. "Hands Open"
4. "How to Be Dead"
5. "The Golden Floor"
6. "Make this Go on Forever"
7. "Run"
8. "Shut Your Eyes"
9. "Chasing Cars"
10. "Crack the Shutters"
11. "Take Back the City"
12. "Open Your Eyes"

Encore

13. "The Lightning Strike"
14. "You're All I Have"

I know they did all those, but the order was changed o_O I can't remember though; I'll have to compare notes later with the chicas I went with.

but oh! what FUN! I can't declare a favorite, they were all so good!! They were all so intense, the bass thumping through my body and the air vibrating with such energy that it made Snow Patrol look like they were moving twice as fast as the audience! (which was muy small, surprisingly. meh, that's fine with me; made it more personable :D )

but yeah. I love them!!!! and they're coming out with another CD in November! hooray! ^-^

but now, time for bed. because I have 9am church tomorrow. x_X

sweet dreams, world!

♥

♥

♥

Today was overwhelmingly satisfying.

:D

Finished my homework before making it to class, did well on my first English paper, did well on my first New Testament test, and made it home before my hometeacher came over for dinner.

hooray!

now off to homework. wooooo.

By golly I love the Alternative genre of music.

:3

I'm rediscovering my burning love for Coldplay - and finding lots of singles that I've never heard before. It's like finding a box of treasure and never opening it. I like to think I'm only beginning to scratch the surface. ^-^

Also: Snow Patrol concert on the 10th of next month. I'm am soooooo excited!!!! I wish they had more unlisted b-sides for me to research...

I wish people would reciprocate.

Especially people who I used to pride myself in calling my "best friends".

:/

RIP Lifesong.

My iPod died. :'(

I'll need another one -- which, I guess is GREAT, since my little 4gig just won't cut it for me anymore; what with how much stuff I want to put on it.

However, here is the current dilemma:

WHICH ONE DO I GET??

[[And don't say "touch", because that's way out of my price range.]]

A nano (if they make them anymore...) is small enough where I think I'm going to snap it half like a cracker. A video isn't worth it to me since I won't put a video on it (when would I watch it?) and a shuffle is worthless because I like to see what I'm listening to.

I'm going to miss my mini...


It fit just perfectly into my hand...

TT_TT

le sigh. If I can still manage to use it to hold my expansive classical repertoire, that'd be AWESOME... but if not, I'll just have to accept this thing where it goes.

Anyway. Convince me.

What kind of iPod should I get now?

Heck yes, Cougars.

We're rated number 9!

and the final score against Tulane? 54-3.

This was an away game, too.

Check back next week for number 1 rated team, Florida! @_@

Rachael = full of fail.

and I've come to the conclusion that I will forever be doomed to the sidelines, unable to do a thing about ANYTHING.

yep. thanks for judging me based on my size, folks.

-___-

duuuuude.

BYU, seeded number 20 in college football, beat Oklahoma, seeded number 3.

3!!!!!

Provo is so bumpin', there's no way I'm getting any sleep tonight.


Fhetch yeah!

-

GO COUGARS!!

The truth be told, the truth be told
I'm worried about the future holds, the future holds
I'm starting to worry about Ray

The truth be told, the truth be told
I'm worried about the future holds, the future holds
I'm seriously worried about Ray

...

halp?

Best theory metaphor EVER (well, at least in religious eyes XD )

If God is a I chord, then Jesus is a V7.

because through Jesus, we can get back to God, in the same way that we have to go through a V7 to get to I.

hilarious! I love my theory prof! XD

argh.

so my fancy knife set that my dad got me for my birthday last year is missing.

either I forgot to pack it and it went away with whoever moved in here, or I packed it and it's lost in my aunt's apartment. :\

I'm thinking the former, unfortunately. >_<

that, and my plates/bowls/stuff and pots&pans have not arrived yet, and I hate borrowing stuff like that...

not to mention I don't have silverware or a much needed car.

le sigh.

byebye, monies.

oh no.

ohnonononononononononono.

OHHHHNOOOO!

T_T

what if... no, it couldn't be. that can't be possible! well, it could. but, not to me! he deserves better. I deserve better! D:

..

where are you people when I need you the most? =\

I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I'm sorry I can no longer assist you. I'm sorry I couldn't see you again before I left.


(Or am I?)


I still love you; but I'm progressing. I'm still growing. I'm sorry you're not.


..


I love the old David. Won't he come back?

Please?

Time together is just never quite enough

When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home

What will it take to make or break this hint of love?

We need time,
Only time.

When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?

If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?

So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?

All the time,

all the time.

--

"Saltwater Room" by Owl City.

Which, by the way, is an awesomely fantastic band. Go buy the album(s). Seriously. This guy's got talent.

I can has reciprocation plz?

-

in other news, I return to Provo three weeks from tomorrow!

finally.

omai.

happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me,
happy birthday dear rayla...

happy birthday to me.

=]

more temporary life.

The 'hanging out' factor in the Review Game is making it's way into my real life. :O

Not that I much mind.

Leaving for vacation on Monday morning (Ohio, woo!). Ziplines, temples, and rollar coasters, oh my! Still, it's with my family, and that's all that could really matter.

11 days til teh birthday. I can't wait to teach everyone the cool games I learned in Utah! Wheeee! nerts and farkle, FTW. And I have an inkling of an idea of what to get a certain twin, granted I don't find anything cooler in Ohio.

Successfully wrote a piece in 2nd person a few days ago. I think it's quite good, but what do I know? I'm a little narcissistic, if I must say.

Speaking of good, I bought a book called "Shadow of the Wind". It's the Review Game's official book now. I'm so excited to start reading it! Everyone who's bought it and has started reading says it's really fabulous. I'm going to read it in the car on the way to Kirtland (assuming I won't get carsick as I often do when multitasking in a moving vehicle! O: ).

I better get a move on for packing...

Here's 'til later, my friends.

LIIIIFFFFFEEEEEE!!

... momentarily, at best.

I got back from Girls Camp latelatelate Friday night. It was fun, regardless that it rained all week. (¬_¬) Haha. Seriously though, very spiritual and good. =]

I looked at my schedule this week, and I work part of the midnight part for all the Harry Potter people. ohmigosh I'm going to die. For clarity, if anyone cares, I'll be ripping the ticket stubs and telling them which way to go. My mom said to dress up somehow, but I don't think that's allowed... if I could, I'd probably wear a scarf or something uber lame like that. :D Or maybe I'll just stick with the "scar" that everyone else and their mom will be wearing. Mhm.

At least I'm not in concessions.

..

Oh look. My birthday's in 16 days. x_x BAH HUMBUG, I say.

Eh. I'll probably have 5or6 people over again and play more games... including another one I learned at camp! Weeeeee! It's really fun and awesome, but I don't have enough cards for it. So I'll just put that on the invitation. Or in the email, rather...

Yum. Apricot. Homegrown from our tree. Tasty.

Oh look, work in an hour. Sigh.

TTFN, then.

p.s. Hush Sound is great. They've been stuck in my head for a week. XD

I need a concert buddy so I can go see Snow Patrol in Orem in October (for $30!!!! ).

Because that, my friends, would be epic. :D

edit (6/27): I got 'em! woooooo!

What if this storm ends?
And I don't see you
As you are now
Ever again

And the muse lives on in sing-a-longs, dreams, and lullabies
Never failing or really leaving
Just hiding, waiting for a soul to come along
Waiting for me to come and find it.

I thought I was stronger than this.

:\

books, books.

if you ever find a book by Chris Wooding, borrow or buy it, and set a day aside to read it.

I liked "Storm Thief", but I ADORED Poison.

misleading title? yes. totally, fantastically, and absolutely worth it? yes.

Go read it. =]

neutral.

is "indifference" a synonym, do you think?

because that, I suppose for lack of a better term, is how I'm viewing life and the many variances in it.

...

I can't believe I have another 3 months until I can return to Provo. [At least I have something of a life there. And friends.]

If not for the necessity of the job I have, there's a great possibility I wouldn't have come back at all.

So please, don't question me.

I've made up my mind and you (woo specifics), of all people, can NOT change my mind now.

Not after everything.


Pah.

I'm thinking...

about picnics.
about rainstorms.
about movies.
about Scotty.
about all my other missionary friends.
about that one friend in Brazil. (♥)
about piano.
about Rachel and Rebekah.
about Emily.
and how many miles are between us.
about Hilary.
about Kit.
about my family.
about work.
about summer.
about love.

hmm.

...

♥

=]

♥ ♥ ♥.

There is such a creature in this world that is known for it's uncanny ability to strike when most inconvenient, at the most random of times and situations, and it's nature as to never let go of you until you have killed it.

In the fiction world (moreso the land of the Review Game), it is known as a plunnie.

Formed of the two words "plot" and "bunny" (reasons are unknown as to why "bunny" was picked over any other animal; some speculate because of the killer rabbit in Monty Python's The Holy Grail), it can strike at any time and can eat away at your brain until you have successfully combated the being; that is, write it down on paper and edit it multiple times.

In the wild: More often in places such as youtube and fiction sites, but it is not uncommon in any place of the world.

Author's latest encounter: Robot Wars.

you know I won't say sorry.
The pain has a bad reaction.
A blend of fear and passion.
You know what it's like to believe,
It makes me wanna scream.

--

Well I'm too young for that,
Too dumb for that,
Too broke for that,
Too tired for that,
Too proud for that,
And I'm too gone for that.

...

Be seeing ya.

"I’ve found many horrific parallels between outer darkness and the testing center: 1. It is great and spacious 2. It is the end of progression: once you’re in there, you can’t learn any more than you already have 3. It is one of the few places you can’t take your scriptures 4. There is frequent weeping, and wailing and gnashing of teeth."

WAHAHAHAHA!

Mormon humor there, sorry.

New Purpose

[[Irrelevantly, I got my wireless to work again! Hooray!]]


I have been back in Illinois for a couple days now, and I miss Provo quite painfully, at times.

Despite this, I have made the necessary decision to change my mindset to be productive and social (regardless of the lack of people who live up to my standards of life).

So... here I go. Back into the world I once loved. Back to the people I revered as my own. Back to the place I once called home.

And despite that...

I am home.




<3

As the needle slips into the run-out groove
Maybe you'll feel it too


...or maybe you won't.

I haven't got it in me to care that much anymore.

Said it all
Nothing to say at all
Nothing to say that matters
Haven’t we heard enough?

Said it all
Nothing to say at all
Nothing to say that matters
Doesn’t matter any more

everything you love turns to dust,
you'd make more of it but you felt rushed,
by all that's periphery,
you held tight, but on the contrary,

...

you'd kill for answers but learn to live with,
questions, who what why how and if,
I'll sit back detached tear our your hair,
oh but on the contrary...

...

everyone you love turns to dust,
you'd jump off the edge but you felt pushed,
by all that's unnecessary,
you tread but you're off on the wrong foot,

the trick to life is not to get too attached to it
the trick to life is not to get too attached to it.

Då kom den dagen jag inte trodde fanns...

... Jag blev förälskad.

...

ohh...

I come home in 26 days.

But my heart isn't in it this time.

I am going to miss Provo so terribly by June, I can already tell. (More likely May, but still.)

I just... I just...

...

My heart's in Provo now.

And it's seriously going to stay there until I find a new home of my own.



And that's just the way it is.

I am freakin' exhausted.

but life is effin AMAZING.

hmmmm.....

date next weekend. oh yes.

=^_^=

it's all a state of mind.

3 weeks from Wednesday is my official audition for the music performance major.

And I can do it.

I need to keep reminding myself that, because I am my own toughest critic.

I can do it.

No matter what happens with me or my friends, I won't any of that effect me.

I can do it.

I have the capacity.

I WILL PREVAIL.

and I wonder what would happen if I was given the same amount of thought that I give you.

y'know, all those thinking-of-you notes, pleasant surprises, and just general appreciation.

difficult for some, I know.

but would it change your perspective if you knew that I never got anything like that?

I really just want this to go somewhere.

I just want to try, at least. Let me see if what I'm feeling might actually be correct, for the first time in my life.

Ask me, ask me, ask me. I'll say yes.

Please?

...

Let me view him through the eyes that I never had.

Let me love him wholly with the heart that does not even belong to me. [it belongs to you]

Let me understand the meaning of this life...

I think I'm going to begin a series/collection of oneshots on FP (fictionpress, for those of you I haven't told before) all based on a lyric of some sort. I've already written two, working on a third.

It's weird moments, really. I'm walking to class listening to my music - and I'm already watching people constantly; it's just this thing I do - and then I will hear a lyric and see a person walk past me. Then suddenly, a scenario will pop in my head in accordance with the looks of the person-who-just-walked-past-me and the lyric I just heard.

It's an odd sensation.

But I like it. =]

I think I need more responsive friends. ¬_¬





Happy St. Patrick's Day!

HBO's "Big Love" has talked about exposing what goes on in the LDS temples from an excommunicated member. This video does the same thing, and this is the church's response to the series.

Please watch this and understand a little bit more about my faith. Thanks.

♥

GAAAAH!

They're changing the name of the freakin' Sears Tower!!!

... to something like the Willis tower, or something.

That doesn't make me very happy. >:O

/rant

edit: for more information, look here: http://www.newsday.com/business/chi-biz-sears-tower-name-change-willis-march12,0,4531580.story?track=rss

I don't know if anybody else has ever had this feeling, but I just wanted to check:

So today I was noodling on the internet as I often do, and I suddenly got this amazing idea for a story (OR, I found a plunnie*). So I started typing it out as I will do when I get fascinating ideas, but I experienced something today that I haven't ever experienced before (or, at least to this degree).

While I was writing, I became quite conscious of my pulse. I could feel it throbbing in my veins all over my body, and also of how quick it was. I was no longer typing, I could see in my minds eye exactly what I wanted. Like a movie in my brain. The most dominant part of this whole thing that I have never felt before was the constant pulse. It was just... overwhelming in a really cool way.

I don't know if any of you guys have felt anything like this, but I thought it was too cool not to mention.

=]
♥


[[*plunnie = plot bunny: difficult creatures to catch, incredibly helpful for any story's sake.]]

oh, the things that amuse me late at night. =D

Me:
My WCC was all about divine matchmaking! when does that happen?!?
Emily:
divine matchmaking
hey
it happens
!
Me:
how does that happen?
Emily:
ok this is how it works
God makes you go someplace
and you are like, "whaaaat ... why"
and then he makes someone else go someplace
and they are like "whaaaaat ... why"
and then they meet eachother and they are like "whaaaat ... why"
and then ....... they fall in LOVEEEEE
and get married
and live
happily
ever
AFTER!!!!!
the end
:-)
Me:
that's epic.
Emily:
uhuh.

I really hope that I can make it to FHE on time on Monday.

My masterclass goes until 6:45, but that's when everyone is supposed to be leaving the complex for the Bishop's house. My teacher is being extremely difficult about all this, and he's not allowing me to leave early to be able to make it to the complex on time.

My family comes first and foremost. That will never change.

I really want to go.

I've made a stand - I hope blessings will entitle me that I'm able to attend.

At least there's no lesson on Monday. Every time I see him, my teacher seriously gives me a headache the size of Montana.

I don't usually do this, but I'd really appreciate prayers, please... This week is going to be a bugger.

♥

♥ >_>

I've come to the conclusion that Rayman and Pokemon are my two greatest guilty pleasures.

... yeapp, I'm a nerd.

=]

I just realized I haven't updated in a week.

That's obnoxious.

WELL, this week I had two concerts I played in. It was really fun! Orchestra was on Tuesday (it went for two and a half hours! Blah!) and Band was on Wednesday. Both were very fun, but orchestra was definitely more amusing. Here's why:

(Basically my director is really eccentric. We staged this entire thing.) SO, in the program we had listed Beethoven's 6th symphony. We were never going to play it, but when the director wanted to play it, the brass would whistle and wave until they got the director's attention and tell him they weren't going to play it. So we just kept pushing it back until it was "the second to last thing on the program." So the director pulls the brass up to the front of the stage and lectures them on how we need to play it, but the 1st trumpet pulls out a really long letter of an apology to the audience. So that's read, and about halfway through we play little snippets of Beethoven's 5th to which the brass reacts like they're being shot. (With comments like, "Nooo!" "He's just the kind of guy who would do this to us!" et al.) So then the brass run off the stage because they can't handle it, and we resort to playing a Mozart string thing "instead".

This is where things get HILARIOUS. In the opening section, the tuba player comes out from behind the sound shells and pretends to fall and sprain his ankle or something. So the director runs over to help him, and a trombone player runs from the opposite side of the stage and starts conducting us - we start playing "Toriadors" from Carmen. The director runs back, chases the trombone player away, and the strings resume Mozart. Then the director's stand breaks, and the stage manager has to come out and take it away. (though she dragged it very loudly off the stage in the middle of the piece! xD) Then she brought one back, and the director discovered that his podium was uneven. So the brass came out and took that away and brought back out a soapbox! Hahaha. Then after the director got mad at him for that, the brass came back out with NERF GUNS and started shooting at him! The tuba player had like, a machine-nerf-gun thing. SO AWESOME. So they chased him off the stage, and then the 2nd trumpet player jumped up on the soapbox and started conducting us - this time we played Darth Vader's march (or, more specifically, the part right before his main theme). Then the conducter came back and "saved us" again, and his glasses and shirt were covered with darts! Ahaha! Then the conductor brushed off most of the darts (except for the ones on his back) and the 2nd trombonist came up and motioned by pointing and motioning that he wanted to conduct. Director said no. Trombonist asked again, director again declined. So the trombonist took the 1st violinist's violin and smashed it on the director's head!! It broke into a hundred pieces in a puff of dust (it was really old and just about to fall apart anyway, so don't worry). All the strings stopped with a gasp (and a realistic scream from a cellist, lol!) and the first violinist looked at the pieces of his violin all over the floor, picked up the biggest part, and directed the last 4 bars with it! Then he staggered off the stage weeping.

...

and holy cow that was really long. Sorry. Hope it amused you all the same. :D

anyway, yeah. Tonight I get to go to the Utah Symphony! And I've just realized that I've failed in reaching the practice hours I was supposed to this week. Darnit! :O maybe I will cancel my lesson on Monday...

Well, I can't think of much else to ramble on about. So... hope you're having a lovely day/evening/whatev!

lurrrv~
R

had another @%$%@ing engagement dream.

what could they all mean?!?

Find out what the animals are!

(for example, "To run away or escape" could be a "flea")


1. hair-control foam
2. very exposed
3. tellin' falsities
4. a lamenting cry
5. a dull person
6. a precious or loved one
7. first you get a parking ticket, then you get this
8. these make up a chain

The exciting adventures of Rachael, the college student!

A huge midterm on Wednesday in class - she must identify mystery examples of art and music! Will she get a decent grade?? And then in part two of her test in the testing center on the background information of the literature and the artists in the same time period! Will the promised curve be enough to save her??

Private lessons have been going smoothly enough, but will Rachael be able to practice as much time as required to prepare for the audition in April for the bassoon performance track?? Will she be able to relax in her practicing and be able to progress quickly?? And heaven forbid if she must perform her etudes in masterclass in Monday!

The wireless card is still broken... as is the washing machine! Oh horror! Can Rachael and her roommates figure out what's wrong and fix it before they annoy their neighbors (because they keep using there's)??

And with the recent drop of the male population, will she be able to continue to party and live the single life she has always led with style??

And will the author of this stop using two question marks for every question?? (*stoppit!*)

Join us next time for our next thrilling installment!

I am what you might call bitter. For multiple reasons, if you must ask. Mostly, though, it's because of this one broken promise.

They said I would always have their friendship. Now they've gone away, for good reasons, but they are so contradictory...

I shouldn't be as seemingly angry / selfish as I am, but...



...

Yeah. Life's good. I'll trek it alone. It's all fine.

I'll survive, huh?

"I'll break the sky // for you and I are going nowhere"

'Cause if you don't need me
Then I don't need you.

I am fully determined to make the people who are in my past stay there. But changes will be made, and I may have to put some people who are in present in my past.

I can't change who you are, but I can change me. And I'm quite ready to let God shape me into who I need to become. Sacrifices might be necessary, but I'm completely ready for it.

That's the only constant: change. It sucks sometimes, but it's necessary.

And sometimes, that's the way it needs to be. It will help me become better... hopefully it will help them, too.

So bring on the change.

I'm ready.



Dear God:
Please help them remember I have always loved them, and I will never stop loving them, even though I must leave them behind...

Please just take these photos from my hands.

I've got no time for love, and I've got to get through my thick skull that I am NOT ready for anything pertaining to the idea of love now.

I'm just a freshman. I ought to live my life a little first.

Plus, it's not quite worth the effort at this point in my life.

Not yet.

When I fall in love I take my time
There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind

Because I've got much, much better things I SHOULD be doing with my time.


..


Not to mention the fact that I've found I don't have the ability to fall in love. Not romantically, anyway.

.. Good?

waiting waiting waiting.

I hate waiting. I get too antsy, especially if I have nothing to do in the meantime. Like now! *brick'd*

maybe I'll just go make food for my dinner group tonight. -nodnod-

oh, and my wireless is still broken. if any of you were wondering, which I'm guessing is probably minority of y'all. haha.

yep. I've got nothing.

This week...

This week has been something crazy for me.

Allow me to explain vent.

The beginning of the week went well enough. No orchestra on Monday was a nice treat, and I went to go see the Army Woodwind Quintet for free Tuesday night. It was really the end of the week that began to kill me.

Trent and I talked for a little bit. He's preparing like crazy to leave for the MTC this Wednesday and learn Spanish in 6 weeks before he's transferred down to Argentina for the other 23 and a half months. But I realized.... I don't love him. Not in a romantic sense in any way. I had mistaken connection for love. That's all.

That was a hurdle to overcome. Simple enough, right?

Later, I got a phone call from Emmanuel. I had called him a couple weeks previous to see if I could see him before he left for the MTC (also this Wednesday). He said he would call me and let me know. [I'm still waiting for that, but they are for sure coming down Tuesday.] The following night, I had a dream where he proposed to me.

First off, WTH?! Secondly, I hate my subconscious; thirdly, the signals are all somewhat there to make sense. How could I have missed them? No matter, I get to give up a 2nd love.

Another hurdle. Okay, cool.

Somewhere in the midst of all this my wireless card stopped working, so now I have to go through the hassle of pulling cords out of the closet and connecting manually to the router. Yummy.

Most difficult hurdle of this week just happened today, actually.

My friend (who technically has enough college credit to be a senior; she should also be graduated by now) auditioned for the music major today. However, due to a wrist injury when she was 15, she still plays at a level for 15 year-olds. Needless to say, the prof she auditioned for said earlier in the week that he was not expecting that she would be accepted (he said it nicer than that, though). So she auditioned today anyway, and now she's planning on packing up and leaving next Saturday.

Next. Saturday.

Anyone I get close to goes far, far away from me. Or I'm uprooted and moved far, far away from them.

I need more hugs. More touchy-feely. Drama did that to me, if nothing else. Oh, and the need of family. I haven't established one in Provo yet.

And that's the hardest part.

"Was it something I said?" I asked him. Nonchalant and indirect, but I asked.
"No." He said. "No, I've just been incredibly busy."
It's never stopped you before, she thought.

That was a week ago.

I want to help him, I really do.


He just won't let me.


So to whom accredits the blame? What more can I do, if anything?

Or should I perhaps give up?

okay, really?

This is getting ridiculous.

Nearly every night for the past week I've had a dream about an engagement or being married or something sickly sappy like that. Now last night I had a dream about having a child.

..
..
..

WTF!!?!?!??

So I'm listening to Snow Patrol's newest CD [A Hundred Million Suns] for the umpteenth time, and it gets more gorgeous every time I listen to it. I love music like that. At the moment, I really really like "If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It", even though it has nothing to do with a rocket. Heehee. There's just something about the different pieces of the music fitting together to create something more than yourself - to make you feel and connect to it, not just to have a happy tune in your head all day long.

Though having a happy tune in your head is nice, too. =]

Last night was one of the better nights of my time here (not to say they all aren't, but this one was especially good) - first off, I talked to Mike [which is one of those things that I've haven't done in a while; it was nice!] and basically connected some loose ends and whatnot. Then I went off and had some people over about 9pm and we made popcorn, puppy chow, and watched Stardust! It was over about 11:30 and I didn't even get to sleep until about 12:45am. 6 hours of sleep, WOO! *brick'd* It was way awesome and fun, though, so it was well worth it. I love entertaining. ^_^

I think I'm going to take a nap after I post this, I'm pretty tired. :P

Ohhh, I got a jump on my [newest] story, though. I've got the plot in motion, and I've got a name for it! It's called "Makeshift Destiny". It's supposed to be a play on manifest destiny, but hey, details. I'm really excited about it - I'm hoping to keep things consistent in terms of history [things that would/would not be used in that time period], but we'll see how long that keeps up. Just for kicks I might add some ridiculous technology related phenomenon, but we'll see.

*thinks she'll need a beta for that soon o_O*

Hmm, I need to go watch the inauguration of Obama, too. BYU was lame and didn't put it up on all the TVs all over campus. >_< Darnit. Oh well. Better late than never.

Ohkay, now I'm just rambling. I'll take off now.

Oh, wait, my friend Emily and I decided this:

Something good is going to happen this semester.

We don't know why, there just is. Stay tune for that!

laters. =]

Oh, crap.

I messed up.

Hardcore.

Kylie, we were wrong.



tears stream / down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace

I'll take that as a compliment.

So my ward [aka congregation; it's Mormon lingo for basically the same thing] got a lot of new people this semester due to people moving out/in. SO! I went up to the Benson building [aka the science building where my ward holds church] to talk to one of the counselors in the bishopric [the three guys who conduct the meetings] and say hello. And one of these guys, Brother Chase, is so funny...

We were talking about what I did in school, last semester, things of the sort. He didn't remember where I was from, and I told him Chicago - we talked about the cold [I told him anything Utah could throw at me was mild; bahaha]. He asked if I went on a mission, and I told him, "Nope! I'm only 18."

If you could've seen how big his eyes got you would've died laughing.

He said that was surprised - he commented on how I carry myself with a lot more maturity than most 18 year olds; his daughter is also only 18. I told him a lot of people in the ward didn't believe me when I first told them I was 18, either. Brother Chase made a comment to the sense of, "It's because they feel your spirit - they know you have a foundational testimony."

=]

I love it here. There's no place else I could be where my spirit and love of God would be able to flourish as much as it has.

♥

I've decided...

...that I want to learn the Thriller dance.

because, honestly, how many times have you heard the song and wished YOU could do that dance?? (oh come on, I can't be the ONLY one!)

plus, me and a friend in my ward want to put it on for the talent show ;D

Sooooo... that's my new years resolution. HA. I'm hilarious.

*brick'd*

I don't know.

I just don't know.


But I think I do know that this love - this... this twisted, toxic THING between us - is not good for me.

So...

Without ever having to confess anything real scale to you, I'm okay with you going away. I'm okay with you being 10,000 miles away. I'm okay with you not coming back.

I'm okay with me just being alone. I've come to terms with it.

I'm okay, I promise.

Holy cow it's almost Friday. *brick'd*

Well... I took a really cool picture of my Christmas tree in my apartment. It turned out really cool! So here 'tis:


with my NEW CAMERA, no less. I only had to take this shot once. I swear I got lucky, though xD

Erm.... otherwise, nothing new or exciting. Lunch tomorrow with a friend, dinner Saturday with two other friends (twins!) at my house and dinner Sunday with the twins again at their house. [What? We need to be at the Marriott Center early. It's not every day you get to see the prophet!]

Oh, well, yes, I suppose that's exciting news. The Prophet is coming to BYU on Sunday! And I am going to see him! =D Hooray!

Umm, otherwise, I'm really just distracting myself from the reading that needs to be done for my 2 syllabus quizzes tomorrow. :P

So I guess I'll jump on that, then.

Peace out, yo! ;)

I shake through the wreckage for signs of life
Scrolling through the paragraphs
Clicking through the photographs

I wish I could make sense of what we do
Burning down the capitals
The wisest of the animals

Who are you? What are you living for?
Tooth for tooth, maybe we'll go one more

This life, is lived in perfect symmetry
What I do, that will be done to me

Read page after page of analysis
Looking for the final score
We're no closer than we were before

Who are you? What are you fighting for?
Holy truth? Brother I choose this mortal life

Lived in perfect symmetry
What I do, that will be done to me
As the needle slips into the run-out groove
Love - maybe you'll feel it too

And maybe you'll find life is unkind
And over so soon
There is no golden gate
There's no heaven waiting for you

Oh boy you ought to leave this town
Get out while you can the meter's running down
The voices in the streets you love
Everything is better when you hear that sound

Spineless dreamers hide in churches
Pieces of pieces of rush hour buses
I dream in emails, worn-out phrases
Mile after mile of just empty pages

Wrap yourself around me
Wrap yourself around me
As the needle slips into the run-out groove
Maybe I'll feel it too
Maybe you'll feel it too
Maybe you'll feel it too

Happy (quite belated) New Years!

And I have no resolutions. Except to kick English in the pants and stomp on it. And scales. I desperately need to get much better at those. Fast.

Anyway. I think I'm coming down with a cold. :( Probably the weird temperature/atmosphere change from flat, humid Illinois to not-flat, dry, and much colder Utah. *shrugs* oh well. I'm sleeping pretty much all day, anyways. Hey, I slept in until 9am here! (That's 10am for you.) I need to start getting up at 7am, here. Every day, all week. Yaay, being a stupid freshman. :P

I read Doomwyte (yet another book by Brian Jacques, ♥) in less than 24 hours. Almost under 12 hours; the time change threw me off, so I didn't want to calculate. :P AWESOMESAUCE BOOK, every book he writes gets better and better. It's awesome. I particularly like how he releases a new book (same places, lots of different characters) every year. It only takes him 4-5 months to write one. Cool. :D

Yeah, it's super cold here in my room. Or maybe that's just me. I dunno.

Oh, but I been invited to lunch with a boy. Friday, actually - after all my early classes.

Good? ;D