Thanks for checking up on me I guess

however, the more you talk to me about it the more I feel like a "project".

yes, I need a job. however, I don't even know what I'm looking for and I'm a research assistant through the end of the month anyway.

also, recital next semester. NOT ENOUGH TIME. I would rather die.

I wish I could figure out my life.

Matey,

Remember how over the summer you had work on Fridays and I had the house to myself? That was great. D'you remember the last time you did that? Yeah me neither. Go away.

I feel like my friendship should come with a warning sign.

-__-;

If I think you are awesome, I'm going to want to spend a lot of time with/around you. If you don't want that, don't bring up all the things you have in common with me. I AM NOT OBSESSIVE. Merely loyal and fascinated and that comes off as being scary. Oh, and don't you dare mention being a writer to me, because then you're doomed. I like prodding around in other people's brains to see how other people think/reason, due to character development being what I enjoy writing the most. Other things to avoid mentioning you enjoy if you don't want me to label you as my next bff: card games (especially hearts), Doctor Who, and hockey.

Quality time is the only indicator I have of people liking me, so if you don't, it hurts my feelings. True story.

Oh. And there's no such thing as "going out of my way" to help you with something. So don't use that as an excuse for something because then I will be upset. Fine if you're busy and you can't get to me, but if you really want me to wander up to your house to help you with studying for your music civ exam that you can't cram fast enough for, I will help you. I'm not desperate. Don't read into my "interest" in you. I just want to be useful.

That's all I want from this life. To be useful. Please let me.

I'm adorable

-ly stupid.

yeah.

okay, not stupid, just easily misled. by myself.

<__<

*brick'd*

Just for fun, I took a love languages test. (I used the "single" assessment.) The highest score possible in any given area was 12.

11 - Quality time
8 - Acts of Service
4 - Physical Touch
4 - Receiving Gifts
3 - Words of Affirmation

I would've thought Words of Affirmation would've scored higher, but after thinking about it I realized I don't really believe what people say to me anyway, so it does make sense. (It does affect me - I get fuzzy for a little bit, but then I shoot it down by thinking "Oh, they can't really mean that about me." It's been happening too often lately and it's one of my goals this semester to knock it off.)

I kinda already knew this about myself but it was good to see what the site had to say about it.

What about you? What's yours?

This afternoon, I listened to WGN (the Chicago radio station I adore) and they're talking sorta about the debate last night, and out of state tuition thingeroos for illegals in Texas.

Basically, Texas is making it so illegal chilluns can pay in-state tuition to go to college, and the out-of-state legal citizens have to pay $22,000 more than the not-legal folks.

Sounds weird to me but not the point of this post.

The point is, thank you to BYU and the Church for making college nicer for my budget. I shan't disappoint you. I hope.  <3

Someday....

I want to be the light in someone's eyes. To bring them laughter and awe. To be the cause of their brightest smiles.

Someday, I think I'll feel worth it.

Today was difficult.

and it's not because of the football game. (I didn't watch a minute of it.)

I got up at 8:30 so I could go to a masterclass (and play!!!!) for a professor at said class. I was scared, but not as scared as I should've could've been. I went and found out I was playing first.

A note about auditions and playing in general: going first = akin to running headfirst into a wall. Like, really. It's a bad idea.

So I get up there with very little warming up (thanks to my running late that morning) and I start playing. Third or fourth measure in and it hits me I'm playing for this really famous bassoon player and I suddenly can't breathe for the entire rest of the piece, resulting in lots of mess-ups and things I wouldn't normally do in a run-through. This piece probably lasted for another 2 minutes or so. It felt bad, and I don't mean the kind of bad where it could pass as good but you're just trying to modest.

So we get done and he mentions two things I've known I've sucked at since I came to college three years ago: flicking, and the whisper key.

Apparently, I flick with the tradition of a European player - instead of tapping the key and moving my thumb back over the whisper key, I just hang onto it. He asked and I told him it was a conscious decision, even though I never told him that I didn't learn how to flick properly until three years ago, and also that if I don't keep my thumb there I don't do it at all. Which is a very bad thing to not-do.

Secondly, I never learned anything proper about the whisper key ALSO until I came here three years ago. Before then, it was always one of those do it if it's convenient it doesn't really matter sort of dealios with my previous teacher (love her to death but I wish she would've fixed this and told me it did). Apparently any time I half-hole a note, the whisper key should go down. I usually don't, resulting in a lot of not whisper-keyed and half-holed third-line G's.

So he literally talked about both of these subjects for a half an hour and then I went and sat down like a good girl.

Three other bassoonists got up there and played and they talked about musical things.

And I felt useless.

I'm not a musician. I'm an enthusiast. I can't practice like I'm supposed to, I can't technique like I'm supposed to, I can't be what I'm supposed to as viewed by my teacher.

I could be so much more.

But I'm not. I can't. It's impossible.

Little while later, an inner dialogue:

But see, this is why you fail. You don't believe in yourself.

Not a whole lot to believe in, is there?

This is what I'm talking about.

What am I supposed to do? I'm nothing. I can't change the world. 

I can't even change my techniques around, I can't even change myself.

I was a little better after lunch, even distracting myself with periodic conversations throughout the day about writing with writer-bassoon-friend. My severe lack of self-esteem came up once and he just rolled his eyes at me.

Well what d'you want me to do, lie to you about how I see myself?

I'm not pretty, I'm not good at technique, Lord knows I'm hardly consistent with anything. I'm not perfect and I don't want to be.

But I really would like to feel better about myself.