Today was difficult.

and it's not because of the football game. (I didn't watch a minute of it.)

I got up at 8:30 so I could go to a masterclass (and play!!!!) for a professor at said class. I was scared, but not as scared as I should've could've been. I went and found out I was playing first.

A note about auditions and playing in general: going first = akin to running headfirst into a wall. Like, really. It's a bad idea.

So I get up there with very little warming up (thanks to my running late that morning) and I start playing. Third or fourth measure in and it hits me I'm playing for this really famous bassoon player and I suddenly can't breathe for the entire rest of the piece, resulting in lots of mess-ups and things I wouldn't normally do in a run-through. This piece probably lasted for another 2 minutes or so. It felt bad, and I don't mean the kind of bad where it could pass as good but you're just trying to modest.

So we get done and he mentions two things I've known I've sucked at since I came to college three years ago: flicking, and the whisper key.

Apparently, I flick with the tradition of a European player - instead of tapping the key and moving my thumb back over the whisper key, I just hang onto it. He asked and I told him it was a conscious decision, even though I never told him that I didn't learn how to flick properly until three years ago, and also that if I don't keep my thumb there I don't do it at all. Which is a very bad thing to not-do.

Secondly, I never learned anything proper about the whisper key ALSO until I came here three years ago. Before then, it was always one of those do it if it's convenient it doesn't really matter sort of dealios with my previous teacher (love her to death but I wish she would've fixed this and told me it did). Apparently any time I half-hole a note, the whisper key should go down. I usually don't, resulting in a lot of not whisper-keyed and half-holed third-line G's.

So he literally talked about both of these subjects for a half an hour and then I went and sat down like a good girl.

Three other bassoonists got up there and played and they talked about musical things.

And I felt useless.

I'm not a musician. I'm an enthusiast. I can't practice like I'm supposed to, I can't technique like I'm supposed to, I can't be what I'm supposed to as viewed by my teacher.

I could be so much more.

But I'm not. I can't. It's impossible.

Little while later, an inner dialogue:

But see, this is why you fail. You don't believe in yourself.

Not a whole lot to believe in, is there?

This is what I'm talking about.

What am I supposed to do? I'm nothing. I can't change the world. 

I can't even change my techniques around, I can't even change myself.

I was a little better after lunch, even distracting myself with periodic conversations throughout the day about writing with writer-bassoon-friend. My severe lack of self-esteem came up once and he just rolled his eyes at me.

Well what d'you want me to do, lie to you about how I see myself?

I'm not pretty, I'm not good at technique, Lord knows I'm hardly consistent with anything. I'm not perfect and I don't want to be.

But I really would like to feel better about myself.