lately I've been praying for God to prepare my heart for whatever's coming (cos I feel like there's a lot He wants me to do and I have zero clue what it all is).

last week I was pretty upset with Him after... well, let's just say I felt like I was supposed to put a lot of energy into a certain thing, but then got literally nothing back for it. tl;dr I was crushed, and because of it there was so much rage in me. but that's a story for another day.

this week I was thinking a lot about our relationships with people, and God, and some other things, and I got two thoughts.

1) when we say we like something, often it's not with very clear articulation that we can say why we like a certain thing. I like alternative music, but not hard rock- I don't know why, it just pleases my ear better or something. but I realized that somewhat makes its way into our relationships with other people as well. sometimes we can't say why we like a certain someone, or are attracted to them. sometimes we just kinda are.
(this kinda coincides with umm prolly Pres Monson's comment, that God doesn't love us for what we do or what we say we are. His love is always just there.

2) I've been asking for God to prepare my heart, but I realized that maybe that involves breaking it a little as well. not pleasant, but necessary all the same. (ow.)

I think I have an idea of where I'm supposed to go/what I'm supposed to do, but... I'm still kinda scared. not because I don't want it, but only because it involves other people and I'm most afraid of hurting them.

I don't know. I guess I thought it would be different than this. y'know?

I was talking to my mom this last Monday afternoon, during which my dad called and told her he didn't know when he'd be home.

this is a common occurrence, given that his boss is relatively new and generally has no idea what it is he or anybody else at his work does, so that's been going on and off for the past few months. sucky.

they finished and my mom quipped, "if I was a suspicious woman, I'd ask him who the other woman was."
I said, "but you're not a suspicious woman."
"of your dad?" my mom said. "of course not, I trust your dad. in all our years of marriage I've never had any reason not to trust your dad."

and I think that is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard from my mom about my dad.

the most startling question

Today, a most curious question was raised. I asked it of myself over and over:

Why didn't he tell me?

I was speaking with a young man today, asking him if he'd put his name down for the headcount going to Manti for our ward temple trip. I saw him write the date down on his program, as though he'd be planning for the event. He said no.
I peppered him a little longer; he just insisted he didn't want to put his name down.
Sacrament meeting started and I forgot about it.

This evening, I discovered from a friend by happenstance that he's not endowed. It's not that he doesn't want to, it's cos he can't.

Why didn't he tell me?

It's baffling.

He's coming. He's close.

-things the temple told me

Whenever people say, "I've learned so much from you!" (it's common in Mormon-dom), it causes me to seriously reflect on what I've learned from them.

But most of the time, that things I've learned from others ends up being on a list of things I DON'T want to do or become.

Is that bad, d'you think?

vulnerable

It struck me today, vulnerability. How I'm not ready for it.

I found a webcomic illustrating a quote by C.S. Lewis this week, and I think it sums up my thoughts perfectly. (holy cow I love this man. have I mentioned that before?)

"To love at all is to be vulnerable."

Well, today I learned some things about myself. I'm clearly more logic-based than I am emotion-based. For that reason, I think "love" (or whatever funny concept I've thought it up to be) is more confusing than anything in this world and makes little to no sense whatsoever.

However, I experienced today something I've experienced before and seem to forget with passing time- being wrong. I think things are happening, but they're clearly not. I read things incorrectly, I dig too deep for things that aren't there and I end up hurting myself. Stabbing my own balloon, as it were.

And in case you haven't had it happen to you before- it's not very pleasant.

So for the past, oh, I don't know... several years, it seems, I've had my heart locked away in a little chest. And you know what? I promise that I don't mind it. It's comfortable. It's not painful. There's not anybody worth opening it for right now, so I'm content with what my life is.

This isn't where the story ends. It'll change someday. But not now.

In the relationships class today (my Bishop challenged me to go for a few weeks...), they talked about optimism and pessimism in dating- how to be extreme in either end is a little dangerous and unhealthy (optimism and pessimism quantified by their perceptions of "real" and "ideal"; optimistic people tend to have either unreasonable ideals, or the real and ideal aren't a far reach from each other; pessimistic people tend to have no ideal or think the ideal is too far- 'it's not going to end well so why should I try' type thinking). The point was there needs to be a healthy balance of both seeing with your EYES and your HEART. In any case, I determined I'm far too pessimistic and need to try to open up more. yes- to be vulnerable.

Not even 12 hours have passed and I've determined I'm not ready to be vulnerable yet. I'm stunned how it inevitably happens to be treated: like just a game. Dating at BYU IS A GAME. I don't feel like it's for keeps, or for anything other than the mormon equivalent of "getting laid". It's real for some people, I realize that. But for the majority of it (and maybe this is just my cute little funny ward), it's not. Maybe that's my pessimism leaking through- but I feel like for me, right now, it's not it. I'm going to protect my little self because that's one less thing to deal with on my slice of life.

I once wrote a poem about the vulnerability of standing on the open face of a volcano. It seems that when you're standing there, in the true face of danger, everything in you is screaming at you to run from what could surely kill you. But at the same time, you can't help but be riveted to the spot in the face of something so beautiful.

For now, for today, for a while- I'm on the edge of a volcano.

And I'm running away fast.

dagnabit!

I feel like I'm at the point in my post-mission-transitioning that I frequently say to myself, "ooh, that boy over there is kinda cute. I bet it would be fun to date him."

and then I'm ALSO at the point where I'm getting more aquainted with my social spheres again, where I tend to discover that all those boys I thought were cute ARE ALREADY INVOLVED EVERYWHERE

I'm not kidding

ALL OF THEM

EVERYWHERE

so I'm just going to work on retreating further into my anti-socialite hidey-hole! yay!

My friends...

I have returned!!

(surprise?)

(for mission adventures, click here.)

At lot has happened since I flew home Dec 10, 2013. I came back to school, I started anew. Sorta. I'm back in BDA (where I was before I left), I'm floating in my major again, but this time I feel... confident.

I don't care anymore what people think. I'm content with my own path and my own way. And who's going to do anything about it?

But at the same time, I look around at what everyone else is doing at my age and dang, I feel so behind. I'm not even sure when I'm graduating, or what I want to do yet. Maybe be a copy-editor, or become a teacher. I don't know yet!

And I'm still single too, but fresh-off-the-mission Me is not going to take to that very well at the present time.

I'm Rachael. I don't like movies, I overplay songs on my Itunes 'til I wear them out, and I am a logical introvert. I have big dreams and little plans, I have a strong capability to love, and my loyalties are fierce.

This post marks a new point, for me. I've changed. To my chagrin, I will leave my hopelessly cryptic posts up and leave them for determined lurkers to read them. Everything previous to this will be marked (to me) as dead, for I'm changed. Everything now will be just me. Just my thoughts, just my feelings, just my obsessions. (There are many, so I'll try not to drown you.)

I don't know what will happen. But it will come and I'll be ready.