I found a webcomic illustrating a quote by C.S. Lewis this week, and I think it sums up my thoughts perfectly. (holy cow I love this man. have I mentioned that before?)
Well, today I learned some things about myself. I'm clearly more logic-based than I am emotion-based. For that reason, I think "love" (or whatever funny concept I've thought it up to be) is more confusing than anything in this world and makes little to no sense whatsoever.
However, I experienced today something I've experienced before and seem to forget with passing time- being wrong. I think things are happening, but they're clearly not. I read things incorrectly, I dig too deep for things that aren't there and I end up hurting myself. Stabbing my own balloon, as it were.
And in case you haven't had it happen to you before- it's not very pleasant.
So for the past, oh, I don't know... several years, it seems, I've had my heart locked away in a little chest. And you know what? I promise that I don't mind it. It's comfortable. It's not painful. There's not anybody worth opening it for right now, so I'm content with what my life is.
This isn't where the story ends. It'll change someday. But not now.
In the relationships class today (my Bishop challenged me to go for a few weeks...), they talked about optimism and pessimism in dating- how to be extreme in either end is a little dangerous and unhealthy (optimism and pessimism quantified by their perceptions of "real" and "ideal"; optimistic people tend to have either unreasonable ideals, or the real and ideal aren't a far reach from each other; pessimistic people tend to have no ideal or think the ideal is too far- 'it's not going to end well so why should I try' type thinking). The point was there needs to be a healthy balance of both seeing with your EYES and your HEART. In any case, I determined I'm far too pessimistic and need to try to open up more. yes- to be vulnerable.
Not even 12 hours have passed and I've determined I'm not ready to be vulnerable yet. I'm stunned how it inevitably happens to be treated: like just a game. Dating at BYU IS A GAME. I don't feel like it's for keeps, or for anything other than the mormon equivalent of "getting laid". It's real for some people, I realize that. But for the majority of it (and maybe this is just my cute little funny ward), it's not. Maybe that's my pessimism leaking through- but I feel like for me, right now, it's not it. I'm going to protect my little self because that's one less thing to deal with on my slice of life.
I once wrote a poem about the vulnerability of standing on the open face of a volcano. It seems that when you're standing there, in the true face of danger, everything in you is screaming at you to run from what could surely kill you. But at the same time, you can't help but be riveted to the spot in the face of something so beautiful.
For now, for today, for a while- I'm on the edge of a volcano.
And I'm running away fast.
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