='(

I'm feeling rejected and alone for no reason. Probably due to my mood swings (leading to something else [crap, on my birthday?!]).

Yeah. Ever since I had a certain conversation, this question has been lagging at me. Constantly. question being this:

"Ever wonder if your friends just put up with you?"

Now, especially when I'm emo, this question means a lot to me. It makes me feel insecure. Which I know I will be feeling a lot this year, with graduation next spring. But I always wonder... do I actually mean something to them? Do they actually care? Would they really take a bullet for me like they say the would? Do they really love me, like they say they do? Do they appriciate me, or do they just see me as an ignorant person craving for attention? An imperfect brat who happens to be a control freak?

College makes me feel lost. Insignificant. Out of control. Depressed. Wishing I was young again.

I woke up this morning, and I said to myself in the mirror: Oh. Dear. When did I grow up?

When did I become older?

What just happened to me?

I'm being randomly angsty/emo to anyone "with the emotional range of a teaspoon." Thank you Hermione.

Random moods swings. Hmm. You know what this means, folks.

Keep on the lookout.

Brace yourselves!

"And crazy is the forecast all week..."

depressing post.

As the end of summer comes to a close and the start of the final year of high school draws ever closer, I think about the future. I take a break and I look into the past. I see this on a friends blog:

"I care so much for all of my friends. I would take a bullet for any of them."

I, too, would take a bullet for any of my friends. Any of them.

All of them.

With thoughts of college on our doorstep, and plans of leaving home into the "real world" on the horizon, it's hard to imagine what life will be life without everyone. What life will be like after all my friends disappear into the sands of time. What I'll do without them.

Well, I know what I'll do. I just don't want to admit it.

I'll move on. I'll eventually make new friends. Old friends will begin to disappear as emails slow down from their rapid pace; things like facebook, myspace and blogger won't matter anymore; thoughts of "high school should have never ended" will leave us. Old friends feel like we have nothing connecting them anymore, and then they'll eventually sever contact. I'll be left with a handful of the closest friends, randomly emailing in the middle of work or at the library when looking up a book, every two months or so. The span will range from two months to six, depending on who gets married and has kids first. Then I'll get invited to weddings or graduations or such several states away, of which I won't be able to make because airfare and gas prices will have skyrocketed and I won't be able to afford such a trip. Eventually I'll meet my husband (or get engaged, if I've already met them >.>), and plan for the wedding. I'll send out invites, a couple great friends will show, but when we talk at the reception (because only Mormons are allowed in the temple), we'll realize that everything we cherished has fallen to the wayside. We'll be sad for a while, sure, but then we'll realize what better people we are because of change. Then after a couple good years of marriage, kids will come along, and I'll become so enticed with them that I won't have time for emails and such anymore. Then I'll be alone with my kids and neighbors.

Aren't I just awful?

I'm so depressing. Espcially when I've thought about college almost all day.

THE TRUTH ABOUT PONG.

Watch Truth about Pong

mehehe.

I've got a gig!

Yup, you read that right. I got a gig for the bassoon. It seems that there's a musical called Brigadoon [[by Gilbert & Sullivan!]] going on (somewhere...) that needs a good bassoon player. My teacher told me I'd get paid $200, and since I can make all the rehearsals, why not? $200 will be good money to spend in Hawaii. XD

I rock out loud. And my teacher thinks I'll be able to get a full-ride to anywhere I want. I think she's loony. I don't think I'm that good.

Not really. Not yet.

mwahaha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx1XIm6q4r4

This song is actually what I was looking for when I came home, because there was a group of girls who performed this at girl's camp. It was hysterical, to say the least. (not to mention all the girls who were singing "Ron, Ron, Ron WEAsly!" or "DUMBLEDORE!" needless to say, it was stuck in our heads for quite a while after that.)

As far as camp goes, it was amazing, inspiring, and humbling. I can't wait for next year.

But anyways, I'm back now, guys! And I'm going to see "Singing in the Rain" for Limelight tonite. My friend Lyndsey is in it, so I'm going to go see her. That's all for now, oh yeah, yay for getting sick at camp! X.X

relief!

The next time you see somebody at the top of a mountain, just remember: they didn't fall there.

Thursday night I went ice blocking with some people, and boy! it was so much fun. The actual blocks were smaller than I thought they were, but once we figured out how to stay on them long enough without falling, it went very well. Our towels, on the other hand, turned out to be brown with the gunk they picked up when we were done with them..... in my humble little opinion, it looked like we took a white towel and tye-dyed it with mud. bleach, anyone?

and then while we were coming home, we got stopped by a train for like, 30 minutes. it was so stupid! one train came and went, and then another one came from the opposite direction! all of us in the car were yelling at it most of the time, since we were so bored. and then we would shout random things like "Hey David, can you run that fast?" and other stupid things that made it funny.

then we all went to david's house, had ice cream, and just hung out. instead of playing frisbee like previously intended. =P

it was fun. Friday was exciting, too. I went to Zack's house sometime in the afternoon, and I gave him his "birthday present", since it will do him much better now than at the end of august. the so said present, being a flag, made him very excited too. I love it when my friends are happy. ^.^

And Saturday, I went bowling with Mike and David instead of packing and practicing for the ceremony at camp. =\ oops! meh, bowling and pool was more fun anyway. I got a 95 and a 87 when I bowled. I still have yet to break 100. >.< someday, I tell you! lol.

And then today, a loving few hours spent with my Father in Heaven. peace at last.

oh, yeah, isketch was fixed, by the way. my stats are all reset, now I can rock out loud with some awesome stats, since I'm so cool. =P and then all this week it won't matter, cuz I'm going to girls camp! I fantastic week with no makeup, fewer showers and hairy legs! XD not so much that last one, but it's going to be a week away from the world. fabulous. I love camp, I can't wait.
so needless to say, this is my last post before I head out Tuesday morning. so have a good week, all, I'll be back next week to let you know how everything all went! and pictures. hopefully pictures. =}

I can breathe again...

I had the most sensational feeling last night.

In my dream, it was rather.... what's the word.... revealing, for lack of better term, but when I woke up, I wasn't messed up. It was the most wonderful thing, seeing what I did, and not feeling any effects from it. I mean, granted, it was a dream, but you know me.... hopeless romantic here, remember? Anyways, here's all this horrible stuff that would usually make my stomach churn and my head spin. But nothing happened.

I do believe I'm healing, much faster than I reckoned I would.

And what a relief that brings for me.