He's coming. He's close.

-things the temple told me

Whenever people say, "I've learned so much from you!" (it's common in Mormon-dom), it causes me to seriously reflect on what I've learned from them.

But most of the time, that things I've learned from others ends up being on a list of things I DON'T want to do or become.

Is that bad, d'you think?

vulnerable

It struck me today, vulnerability. How I'm not ready for it.

I found a webcomic illustrating a quote by C.S. Lewis this week, and I think it sums up my thoughts perfectly. (holy cow I love this man. have I mentioned that before?)

"To love at all is to be vulnerable."

Well, today I learned some things about myself. I'm clearly more logic-based than I am emotion-based. For that reason, I think "love" (or whatever funny concept I've thought it up to be) is more confusing than anything in this world and makes little to no sense whatsoever.

However, I experienced today something I've experienced before and seem to forget with passing time- being wrong. I think things are happening, but they're clearly not. I read things incorrectly, I dig too deep for things that aren't there and I end up hurting myself. Stabbing my own balloon, as it were.

And in case you haven't had it happen to you before- it's not very pleasant.

So for the past, oh, I don't know... several years, it seems, I've had my heart locked away in a little chest. And you know what? I promise that I don't mind it. It's comfortable. It's not painful. There's not anybody worth opening it for right now, so I'm content with what my life is.

This isn't where the story ends. It'll change someday. But not now.

In the relationships class today (my Bishop challenged me to go for a few weeks...), they talked about optimism and pessimism in dating- how to be extreme in either end is a little dangerous and unhealthy (optimism and pessimism quantified by their perceptions of "real" and "ideal"; optimistic people tend to have either unreasonable ideals, or the real and ideal aren't a far reach from each other; pessimistic people tend to have no ideal or think the ideal is too far- 'it's not going to end well so why should I try' type thinking). The point was there needs to be a healthy balance of both seeing with your EYES and your HEART. In any case, I determined I'm far too pessimistic and need to try to open up more. yes- to be vulnerable.

Not even 12 hours have passed and I've determined I'm not ready to be vulnerable yet. I'm stunned how it inevitably happens to be treated: like just a game. Dating at BYU IS A GAME. I don't feel like it's for keeps, or for anything other than the mormon equivalent of "getting laid". It's real for some people, I realize that. But for the majority of it (and maybe this is just my cute little funny ward), it's not. Maybe that's my pessimism leaking through- but I feel like for me, right now, it's not it. I'm going to protect my little self because that's one less thing to deal with on my slice of life.

I once wrote a poem about the vulnerability of standing on the open face of a volcano. It seems that when you're standing there, in the true face of danger, everything in you is screaming at you to run from what could surely kill you. But at the same time, you can't help but be riveted to the spot in the face of something so beautiful.

For now, for today, for a while- I'm on the edge of a volcano.

And I'm running away fast.

dagnabit!

I feel like I'm at the point in my post-mission-transitioning that I frequently say to myself, "ooh, that boy over there is kinda cute. I bet it would be fun to date him."

and then I'm ALSO at the point where I'm getting more aquainted with my social spheres again, where I tend to discover that all those boys I thought were cute ARE ALREADY INVOLVED EVERYWHERE

I'm not kidding

ALL OF THEM

EVERYWHERE

so I'm just going to work on retreating further into my anti-socialite hidey-hole! yay!

My friends...

I have returned!!

(surprise?)

(for mission adventures, click here.)

At lot has happened since I flew home Dec 10, 2013. I came back to school, I started anew. Sorta. I'm back in BDA (where I was before I left), I'm floating in my major again, but this time I feel... confident.

I don't care anymore what people think. I'm content with my own path and my own way. And who's going to do anything about it?

But at the same time, I look around at what everyone else is doing at my age and dang, I feel so behind. I'm not even sure when I'm graduating, or what I want to do yet. Maybe be a copy-editor, or become a teacher. I don't know yet!

And I'm still single too, but fresh-off-the-mission Me is not going to take to that very well at the present time.

I'm Rachael. I don't like movies, I overplay songs on my Itunes 'til I wear them out, and I am a logical introvert. I have big dreams and little plans, I have a strong capability to love, and my loyalties are fierce.

This post marks a new point, for me. I've changed. To my chagrin, I will leave my hopelessly cryptic posts up and leave them for determined lurkers to read them. Everything previous to this will be marked (to me) as dead, for I'm changed. Everything now will be just me. Just my thoughts, just my feelings, just my obsessions. (There are many, so I'll try not to drown you.)

I don't know what will happen. But it will come and I'll be ready.

The closer I come to reporting to the MTC to embark on a miraculous time of my life, it occurs to me just how much I'll be leaving behind at this stage in the game.

I have so many friends and people that love me, and God works things throughout my day that I would miss if I weren't paying attention. I have gifts and talents that no one else has (and lots of times people forget about me having them, and that's okay) and I'll be putting them on the shelf for 18 months. Bassoon reeds will, once again, be a totally different language to me.

But regardless of that... please.

Just... please.


I don't want to be forgotten.

Elder Oaks was out here (in Chicago) for stake conference this weekend. It was awesome! This is the second time I've gotten to shake his hand, the first being after a concert at BYU (his grandson was in it). :D but anyway.

All of his comments were amazing, of course. It wasn't really a structured talk, he just expanded on points of the previous speakers. It was really really cool.

One of the things he mentioned was really interesting, though. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but he said the world would have us believe we don't have a choice (in matters of "being gay") - they want us to think we're born that way, that we're influenced by our environment only, that it's natural to give in to those sorts of feelings. He mentioned Mosiah and King Benjamin a lot in this part of his talk, and it brought to mind Mosiah 3:19. The natural man is an enemy to God. Further, this point that we "don't have a choice" to oppose those feelings totally undermines the whole sense that we were sent here to receive our agency. We're supposed to learn, we're supposed to try to make those decisions that will bring us back to Him. That was the whole plan from the start! Satan wanted to take away our choices, to force us to get back to heaven. But that wouldn't make us more like God, would it? No, no, we couldn't do that.

We fought the war in heaven for our choices.
And now you're trying to convince me that it's natural to take them away?

You can call me bigoted or ignorant until your face turns blue, just believe me when I say I've thought this through. I've spent many nights tossing in my sleep wondering how the heck I could explain this to anyone - never mind the terrifying prospect of explaining this to my future children.

I feel really torn sometimes, feeling like I'm the only person who isn't upset about the "lack of gay rights". I feel like if I expressed my opinion, all I would get in return is lots of hate and people calling me names because "how could I be so insensitive".

No.

This is my choice.

and if I weren't so scared of confrontation, I would make it known more. alas.

yeah...

I wasn't ready for that.

curse me