Thank you Carl, for being the only one who is proud of me.
Just kidding.
I know you all have a place for me somewhere. I just know that many of my friends overlook me sometimes, and then I wonder how important I am to them. I constantly wonder, "What if I disappeared? What would they say? How long would it take for them to notice?" and then I slip away into the darknes; alone, afraid, tired, and in a constant state of wonder if I am truely important to someone. I tell myself I must be, I tell myself I am. But without someone one there to tell me, I fall away into silence...
And it's moods like this that make me remember all the things I have done with my life, friends, and enemies all at once.
I remember when...
- I moved to district 308 in 2001
- I met Kylie and Holly (who, at that time, were pretty good friends)
- I switched to bassoon between sixth and seventh grade
- Bednarcik was built and I went there for seventh grade
- I tried to get to know someone through someone else, and ended up meeting one of the greatest people in the world
- I met Kit in seventh grade LA
- I went to IMEA in eighth grade
- I watched my friendship with Kylie and Holly dwindle away to nothing
- I watched everything I knew being turned inside out
- I watched a few friends make their way to the top of their social scale, and leave me behind
- I thought that everything would be ok, and it eventually was, but I had to make it by myself
- We went to the rose parade, and while that was a marvolous event, I never could shake that hole in me
- Starting high school, and how empty the hallways used to be.
- My conflict with Matt
- My "in's and out's" with my social life
- My love that I soulc never have
And then I remember how things used to be easy. I remember when all I had to do was wait and everything would be over in a day. I remember how I knew it would be better, and that I would never leave my friends again, and now all of the sudden, college is staring me in the face. And all of the sudden...
I want to be too naive again. I want to forget. I want to not care about anything and everything.
But then I remember...
It's too late to go back now. I can't forget.
And I want this hole to be filled in me once and for all.
and I know that hardly anyone reads this, so I'm safe to explain to myself how I feel.
1 comment:
Racheal. I'm always here for you and if you disapeared I don't know what I would do. I still can't figure out why we weren't friends sooner since we are quite alike.
All my friends are special to me and I always want to protect them. Yet sometimes I feel like i'm letting them down and I feel as though I am in fault for the sadness that creaps upon them. Yes, things seemed so easy back then and it seems that if only you dind't grow up then things would have been easier but that is part of life. Everyone of us needs to grow up..even if it takes us longer to relize and suceed at that.
If you truelly look back you relize that you have matured...at least a little. Rachael....remember the good things in life and I know that it is hard to dissapear the bad things but...we can't always sob at those things because we HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD. We can't fall into one place and never move again. We can't hide ourselves in the dark corner...hopeing that life will wither away and torture to be gone along with life. We can't. We apsolutly have to move forward. CAll me sometime ok Rachael. Please read the email when you can. Sorry if this message didn't help. I hope it did though.
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