This week...

This week has been something crazy for me.

Allow me to explain vent.

The beginning of the week went well enough. No orchestra on Monday was a nice treat, and I went to go see the Army Woodwind Quintet for free Tuesday night. It was really the end of the week that began to kill me.

Trent and I talked for a little bit. He's preparing like crazy to leave for the MTC this Wednesday and learn Spanish in 6 weeks before he's transferred down to Argentina for the other 23 and a half months. But I realized.... I don't love him. Not in a romantic sense in any way. I had mistaken connection for love. That's all.

That was a hurdle to overcome. Simple enough, right?

Later, I got a phone call from Emmanuel. I had called him a couple weeks previous to see if I could see him before he left for the MTC (also this Wednesday). He said he would call me and let me know. [I'm still waiting for that, but they are for sure coming down Tuesday.] The following night, I had a dream where he proposed to me.

First off, WTH?! Secondly, I hate my subconscious; thirdly, the signals are all somewhat there to make sense. How could I have missed them? No matter, I get to give up a 2nd love.

Another hurdle. Okay, cool.

Somewhere in the midst of all this my wireless card stopped working, so now I have to go through the hassle of pulling cords out of the closet and connecting manually to the router. Yummy.

Most difficult hurdle of this week just happened today, actually.

My friend (who technically has enough college credit to be a senior; she should also be graduated by now) auditioned for the music major today. However, due to a wrist injury when she was 15, she still plays at a level for 15 year-olds. Needless to say, the prof she auditioned for said earlier in the week that he was not expecting that she would be accepted (he said it nicer than that, though). So she auditioned today anyway, and now she's planning on packing up and leaving next Saturday.

Next. Saturday.

Anyone I get close to goes far, far away from me. Or I'm uprooted and moved far, far away from them.

I need more hugs. More touchy-feely. Drama did that to me, if nothing else. Oh, and the need of family. I haven't established one in Provo yet.

And that's the hardest part.

"Was it something I said?" I asked him. Nonchalant and indirect, but I asked.
"No." He said. "No, I've just been incredibly busy."
It's never stopped you before, she thought.

That was a week ago.

I want to help him, I really do.


He just won't let me.


So to whom accredits the blame? What more can I do, if anything?

Or should I perhaps give up?

okay, really?

This is getting ridiculous.

Nearly every night for the past week I've had a dream about an engagement or being married or something sickly sappy like that. Now last night I had a dream about having a child.

..
..
..

WTF!!?!?!??

So I'm listening to Snow Patrol's newest CD [A Hundred Million Suns] for the umpteenth time, and it gets more gorgeous every time I listen to it. I love music like that. At the moment, I really really like "If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It", even though it has nothing to do with a rocket. Heehee. There's just something about the different pieces of the music fitting together to create something more than yourself - to make you feel and connect to it, not just to have a happy tune in your head all day long.

Though having a happy tune in your head is nice, too. =]

Last night was one of the better nights of my time here (not to say they all aren't, but this one was especially good) - first off, I talked to Mike [which is one of those things that I've haven't done in a while; it was nice!] and basically connected some loose ends and whatnot. Then I went off and had some people over about 9pm and we made popcorn, puppy chow, and watched Stardust! It was over about 11:30 and I didn't even get to sleep until about 12:45am. 6 hours of sleep, WOO! *brick'd* It was way awesome and fun, though, so it was well worth it. I love entertaining. ^_^

I think I'm going to take a nap after I post this, I'm pretty tired. :P

Ohhh, I got a jump on my [newest] story, though. I've got the plot in motion, and I've got a name for it! It's called "Makeshift Destiny". It's supposed to be a play on manifest destiny, but hey, details. I'm really excited about it - I'm hoping to keep things consistent in terms of history [things that would/would not be used in that time period], but we'll see how long that keeps up. Just for kicks I might add some ridiculous technology related phenomenon, but we'll see.

*thinks she'll need a beta for that soon o_O*

Hmm, I need to go watch the inauguration of Obama, too. BYU was lame and didn't put it up on all the TVs all over campus. >_< Darnit. Oh well. Better late than never.

Ohkay, now I'm just rambling. I'll take off now.

Oh, wait, my friend Emily and I decided this:

Something good is going to happen this semester.

We don't know why, there just is. Stay tune for that!

laters. =]

Oh, crap.

I messed up.

Hardcore.

Kylie, we were wrong.



tears stream / down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace

I'll take that as a compliment.

So my ward [aka congregation; it's Mormon lingo for basically the same thing] got a lot of new people this semester due to people moving out/in. SO! I went up to the Benson building [aka the science building where my ward holds church] to talk to one of the counselors in the bishopric [the three guys who conduct the meetings] and say hello. And one of these guys, Brother Chase, is so funny...

We were talking about what I did in school, last semester, things of the sort. He didn't remember where I was from, and I told him Chicago - we talked about the cold [I told him anything Utah could throw at me was mild; bahaha]. He asked if I went on a mission, and I told him, "Nope! I'm only 18."

If you could've seen how big his eyes got you would've died laughing.

He said that was surprised - he commented on how I carry myself with a lot more maturity than most 18 year olds; his daughter is also only 18. I told him a lot of people in the ward didn't believe me when I first told them I was 18, either. Brother Chase made a comment to the sense of, "It's because they feel your spirit - they know you have a foundational testimony."

=]

I love it here. There's no place else I could be where my spirit and love of God would be able to flourish as much as it has.

♥

I've decided...

...that I want to learn the Thriller dance.

because, honestly, how many times have you heard the song and wished YOU could do that dance?? (oh come on, I can't be the ONLY one!)

plus, me and a friend in my ward want to put it on for the talent show ;D

Sooooo... that's my new years resolution. HA. I'm hilarious.

*brick'd*

I don't know.

I just don't know.


But I think I do know that this love - this... this twisted, toxic THING between us - is not good for me.

So...

Without ever having to confess anything real scale to you, I'm okay with you going away. I'm okay with you being 10,000 miles away. I'm okay with you not coming back.

I'm okay with me just being alone. I've come to terms with it.

I'm okay, I promise.