dagnabit!

I feel like I'm at the point in my post-mission-transitioning that I frequently say to myself, "ooh, that boy over there is kinda cute. I bet it would be fun to date him."

and then I'm ALSO at the point where I'm getting more aquainted with my social spheres again, where I tend to discover that all those boys I thought were cute ARE ALREADY INVOLVED EVERYWHERE

I'm not kidding

ALL OF THEM

EVERYWHERE

so I'm just going to work on retreating further into my anti-socialite hidey-hole! yay!

My friends...

I have returned!!

(surprise?)

(for mission adventures, click here.)

At lot has happened since I flew home Dec 10, 2013. I came back to school, I started anew. Sorta. I'm back in BDA (where I was before I left), I'm floating in my major again, but this time I feel... confident.

I don't care anymore what people think. I'm content with my own path and my own way. And who's going to do anything about it?

But at the same time, I look around at what everyone else is doing at my age and dang, I feel so behind. I'm not even sure when I'm graduating, or what I want to do yet. Maybe be a copy-editor, or become a teacher. I don't know yet!

And I'm still single too, but fresh-off-the-mission Me is not going to take to that very well at the present time.

I'm Rachael. I don't like movies, I overplay songs on my Itunes 'til I wear them out, and I am a logical introvert. I have big dreams and little plans, I have a strong capability to love, and my loyalties are fierce.

This post marks a new point, for me. I've changed. To my chagrin, I will leave my hopelessly cryptic posts up and leave them for determined lurkers to read them. Everything previous to this will be marked (to me) as dead, for I'm changed. Everything now will be just me. Just my thoughts, just my feelings, just my obsessions. (There are many, so I'll try not to drown you.)

I don't know what will happen. But it will come and I'll be ready.

The closer I come to reporting to the MTC to embark on a miraculous time of my life, it occurs to me just how much I'll be leaving behind at this stage in the game.

I have so many friends and people that love me, and God works things throughout my day that I would miss if I weren't paying attention. I have gifts and talents that no one else has (and lots of times people forget about me having them, and that's okay) and I'll be putting them on the shelf for 18 months. Bassoon reeds will, once again, be a totally different language to me.

But regardless of that... please.

Just... please.


I don't want to be forgotten.

Elder Oaks was out here (in Chicago) for stake conference this weekend. It was awesome! This is the second time I've gotten to shake his hand, the first being after a concert at BYU (his grandson was in it). :D but anyway.

All of his comments were amazing, of course. It wasn't really a structured talk, he just expanded on points of the previous speakers. It was really really cool.

One of the things he mentioned was really interesting, though. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but he said the world would have us believe we don't have a choice (in matters of "being gay") - they want us to think we're born that way, that we're influenced by our environment only, that it's natural to give in to those sorts of feelings. He mentioned Mosiah and King Benjamin a lot in this part of his talk, and it brought to mind Mosiah 3:19. The natural man is an enemy to God. Further, this point that we "don't have a choice" to oppose those feelings totally undermines the whole sense that we were sent here to receive our agency. We're supposed to learn, we're supposed to try to make those decisions that will bring us back to Him. That was the whole plan from the start! Satan wanted to take away our choices, to force us to get back to heaven. But that wouldn't make us more like God, would it? No, no, we couldn't do that.

We fought the war in heaven for our choices.
And now you're trying to convince me that it's natural to take them away?

You can call me bigoted or ignorant until your face turns blue, just believe me when I say I've thought this through. I've spent many nights tossing in my sleep wondering how the heck I could explain this to anyone - never mind the terrifying prospect of explaining this to my future children.

I feel really torn sometimes, feeling like I'm the only person who isn't upset about the "lack of gay rights". I feel like if I expressed my opinion, all I would get in return is lots of hate and people calling me names because "how could I be so insensitive".

No.

This is my choice.

and if I weren't so scared of confrontation, I would make it known more. alas.

yeah...

I wasn't ready for that.

curse me

random fact about me

when I'm living in a place where I don't have to take my own role of responsibility (i.e., have parents around to schedule and take care of everything for you), I have the most terrible self-control you'll ever see. this often leads to a decline in any semblance of a social life, more irritability, and lack of sleep, the latter of which results in emotional breakdowns to a friend's voicemail. I also become more possessive of my room and having every noun stay out of it becomes a top priority, although the quiet time around this house - as opposed to the apartment I came from - is a stark improvement.

I feel uneasy. Lots of unease in my life and I have no idea where it's coming from.

Well, let's recount.

• My mom's currently here helping me pack up EVERYTHING so I can get all my stuff home before my mission. If there's anybody who could be here to make me feel nervous about the future, it's her. Love her to death but aah! I can't compare my awesomeness to her, nevermind.
• I'M GOING ON A MISSION. Never thought I'd say that in my life. 
• Continuing on the previous note, I'll be going through the temple soon. For my non-Mormon readers, it's a big deal. Basically. And over the last few weeks I've heard so many horror stories about the adversary trying to mess with people going to the temple to become endowed. And y'know? It scares me. He'll be gunning right for me and I'd rather fly under the radar like I've done my whole life. And this next chapter of my life is going to have a lot of attention to lil' ol' me.
• I finished my recital, but the ending seemed anti-climactic, man. Now I think the stress is falling out since I tried to suppress it for so long.
• I'll be back home for about a month and then head back to Provo to go to the MTC on May 30th. Um... that's not very long. From right now, I mean. Ack.
• Also... it's playoff time for hockey. Game 1 in the series for the Hawks was today and it always stresses me out. XD *brick'd*

Yep. 

And I need to finish editing and drafting and etc. so the little story demons won't follow me when I go into the MTC. That just wouldn't be ideal... My poor characters. They're such a part of me, they'll hate me for going. But here I go.

*inhale*
*exhale*
...and repeat.

(eek, new post layout? I don't know what I'm doing anymore D: )

in other news, it's a good thing I'm not getting up early tomorrow or this chatter outside my door would be really irritating.

owait.